Poetry in my Soul

I have been reading through the Psalms lately.  I don't know why, just seemed like the thing to do.  Honestly I have a love/hate relationship with poetry.  I want to be one of those people who just "gets" poetry, feels it in my soul.  I want to be all deep and romantic.  Describe my feeling and experiences with beautiful words.  But the truth is I do not think that way at all and I have to think really hard and really concentrate to follow the theme of a poem and get any meaning out of it.  Frankly my mind tends to wander a little when I read poetry.  And so it is with the Psalms.  And then you get to Psalm 119!  There is zero chance I can keep my brain focused on a poem for that many verses!  So I only read a few sections a day for a few days.  Which allowed me to still be engaged 81 verses into the Psalm when I came across this:

"My soul faints with longing for your salvation, but I have put my hope in your word."

Today I don't really have anything deep to say about the meaning of this verse, although it does have a lot to think about, instead I would just like to bask in the beauty of the words.  When I read it I feel like I am reading Anne of Green Gables.  This is the sort of thing Anne would say and mean with all her heart.  In some ways I find it funny how overly dramatic she was yet I have always been drawn to the passion she expressed for life and the world around her.  And when I think about Anne and how she would totally experience the emotion of this verse it makes me want to jump in and think about the emotions surrounding my desire for Christ and His salvation and the hope I have in His Word.

It really does make my soul feel faint.

Work out With God

I have to confess that lately my quiet times have been a bit blah.  And blah led to avoidance.  And lately I just sort of look at my bible and tell myself that I am going to spend time with God as soon as I am done with Facebook, email, cleaning, blogging...but then something else comes up, I run out of time and here I am.  The longer I went the harder to make a connection and feel like it was worth the time.

Also, between the cold winter weather, my knee pain and life stress I somehow managed to go so long without going to the Y that they installed new curbs in the parking lot which dried and the caution tape has all be removed since I was last there (they are wrapping up a year long remodel).  I haven't lifted a weight, run a mile or downward dogged in far too long.  I think as everything became too busy I worried that continuing to prioritize my exercise routine over being with my family seemed a little too selfish and I unconsciously started letting it go.

But this is my last week of full time outside the house employment and today is another day and the morning was a gorgeous 65 degrees and I decided it would be nice to just get out of the house and move my body.  I do love to exercise even if I let my guilt and lazy take over occasionally.  And while I was on my walk/run, mostly walk, I started praying which is what I often do when I run.  And listening.  I started by confessing my lost connection with God and how I have felt so overwhelmed by my life the past few months I haven't known how to rest my mind and turn to God.  I even wondered what to say now, on my walk, about what was happening in my life.  Where am I?  So I listened.  And God said, "Worship".  I was listening to worship music and as I turned my heart and mind to the music and the worship I realized something, that is what I always do on my runs.  That is a big part of what I love about running.  The connection to God I experience as I worship him while I run.  Then we talk and I have clarity and peace and when I get home and open my bible or devotional book I am ready for the lessons He has for me that day.  I can't run without worship and apparently I can't worship without running.

My sister-in-law and I have talked many times about the connection to exercise and our quiet times.  How for both of us we don't seem to be able to strengthen one without the other.  Anytime I make a goal to improve my health and exercise I always find myself writing next to that goal something that strengthens my faith as well and vice versa.  They are linked for me.  Always have been.  And today I think I began to understand why.  They are my solitary time of worship.  When I am away from the distractions of my life and open to what the Lord has to show me.  I have only recently started running with music.  I ran in silence for years and loved it.  I still often leave the ipod at home.  I love to bask in the beauty of the world God has created and be open to see and hear and appreciate the sights and sounds all around me.  I quiet the noise in my head and just listen and be present with God.

So as of today I am letting go of my guilt over my work outs.  They aren't selfish acts of escape and vanity, they are acts of worship to God.  They strengthen my faith and prepare me to be a better wife, mother, friend and child of God.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

And with that I am getting SERIOUS about rehabbing this IT band injury.  Because as lovely as a morning walk is I LOVE TO RUN.  And there is just no reason I shouldn't be able to loosen this thing up and get back out there.

3 John 1:2 "Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well."


Proverbs 4: 20-22 "My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words.  Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to a man’s whole body." 

Joy in the Trial

I have to admit that as much as I hate trials in life, I also love them.  Not that I would be disappointed if my life went perfectly from this point on...No, actually I think I would be.  Because while trials are hard they bring about growth.

In the book "Going on a Bear Hunt" the family on the hunt comes across obstacle after obstacle.  Each time they say to themselves, "Can't go over it, can't go under it, I guess we are going to have to go through it."  So it is with life.  I certainly would like to navigate over or under this trial we are going through with Jake.  I would like to skip the years of John's education and the trials of being a working mom it is bringing with it.  But there is nothing to do but just go through it.

James 1:2, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds"

And as we go through we find ourselves learning, growing, conquering.  We do persevere through our trials because we are strong.  We are strong because God made us to be strong.  To endure.

I have told many people, maybe even all of you, that if I could go back and get pregnant when Jake was 2 rather than suffering the pain of infertility I wouldn't.  I would go back and suffer again.  Not just because it has brought Isabelle into our lives but because I know how profoundly that experience has shaped who I am today.  And I cannot imagine becoming this woman, the woman God made me to be and continues to shape, without that experience.

There have been other smaller trials that maybe didn't as significantly influence my life that I might not need but, still, I would keep them all because each one was an opportunity to turn to God and be drawn ever closer into His presence.  Each trial is a pathway to growth and greater joy in our lives.

My son is experiencing a trial right now as we ask him to face the reality of his relationship.  And while I hurt as a mother that he will have to suffer, I rejoice as the Lord works in his life and as we watch him grow and mature.  

Going through a trial somehow feels like the beginning of his grown up years.  Of the stage of my parenting where I don't get to protect and rescue my son but must now simply sit with him, watch, wait, suffer along if necessary, while God does His work and Jake learns his lessons.  I know it will be hard but I am excited for him too.  Just as I have always done, I place Jake in God's hands knowing there is no safer place.

Enjoying my personal Garden of Eden

I  have been thinking lately about Adam and Eve.  They lived in the garden of Eden and had their pick of any tree and fruit in the garden except one.  So what did they spend their time thinking and worrying about?  Yep, the one tree.  Not the beautiful Garden of Eden they lived in, not the beauty of their surroundings or the joy of being able to literally walk with God.  They focused on what they did not have.  Satan stepped in and took advantage of the situation.

I can't stop thinking about how this applies to my life.  How often I focus on the one tree I don't have rather than enjoying the fact that I have an entire garden.  We want what we don't have and we don't appreciate what we do have.

Case in point:  As I am writing this Isabelle is complaining to John about the fact that we only dyed our Easter eggs one way and she wishes we could have tried many other ways.  John asked her if she had fun dying our eggs and she said yes.  Then he asked her if she would rather dye eggs every way possible or have fun.

I have read a lot about gratitude lately.  I have mentioned Ann Voskamp's blog and book here before.  She took up a challenge to write down 1,000 things she is thankful for and hasn't stopped.  I saw one book written by John Kralik whose life was changed by writing thank you notes: 365 Thank Yous: How a year of simple Gratitude changed my life.  Neither of their lives are better than the rest of ours but the shift in thinking from problem to gratitude has given them greater joy and peace in the circumstances.

On the days when  I focus on the blessings of my day I tend to feel better and get more done than I do on the days I focus on what I don't like or don't have.  I am at peace, blessed beyond measure.  My life is full of "gifts" as Ann would call them.  The gifts God gives us every day, all day, if we just open our eyes to see them.

So I have decided to come up with a list of 100 things I am thankful for in my job by the end of the month.  My desire to quit my job and be more present in my family life is very much my forbidden tree.  It is the thing that is keeping me from seeing and enjoying the beautiful garden I live in.  So far I am up to 31 things.  The first 25 came quite quickly.  And each day I am trying to see something else I can add to the list.  Like Wednesday when I had a training that went through lunch so they bought us lunch.  Free lunch, how great is that?  I could have seen the forbidden tree, no lunch break, but instead focused on the garden and the blessing.

Take notice of your garden of Eden today and stop worrying about the forbidden tree.  God is taking care of that.

1 Chronicles 16:34

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever"

I was wrong

This past week was tough.  I was hormonal while a couple of challenging things came up.  On in our home life and one in my work.  It did not go well together.  I spent most of the week feeling angry, stressed and tired.  I wanted to release all the negativity, pass it to God and trust Him with my life.  I tried, I really, really tried.  But I just could not look past the circumstances of my life long enough to see God holding out his hands and place my troubles in them.

Until I finally did.

Sometimes we just like our anger too much to let go.  But eventually my anger wore me out and I was ready to be done.  I was tired of hearing myself complain.  I started 3 posts explaining the injustices that had befallen me but couldn't come to any conclusions beyond being angry and bitter.  And who wants to read about that?

In both incidences I had technically done something wrong.  If we must split hairs I was wrong.  Fine.  There.  Now you know.  BUT...

I could comprehensively explain to you why my wrong behavior is totally justified and why the people who turned me in are petty, vindictive, bored women whose lives have nothing to offer and so have made it their life mission to torment me.  When I was done you would totally be on my side.  Truly both offenses are so petty I wouldn't even need to give you my speech.  But in the end I would still be wrong and all I would have really accomplished would be to draw you into my sin.

Our pastor is doing a sermon series on Daniel right now.  This past week was the classic Lion's Den story.  What I got caught on was what led to the lion's den.  Daniel's jealous co-workers sought to find fault with him so they could report to his supervisor, King Darius, but they couldn't find anything to report.  Nothing.

Daniel had been taken captive as a boy and been forced to live and work in a foreign land away from family his entire life.  Talk about home to work transition!  Yet he was so faithful and worked so hard he was promoted to second in command.  And when his fellow co-workers sought to bring him down they found nothing to accuse him of.  Nothing.  No stolen pens, no long lunches, no printing in color when the cheaper black and white would suffice, no checking facebook on the clock, no mistakes on reports, no forgotten assignments.  They found nothing.  And they realized it was all because of his God.  They knew the only way to get him to break a rule was to make a law that went against his God.

" 4 At this, the administrators and the satraps tried to find grounds for charges against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent. 5 Finally these men said, “We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God.” Daniel 6:4-5


Now that is the kind of employee I want to be, the kind of citizen I want to be.  An exemplary employee who no one can find fault, an exemplary neighbor, friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother.  It might not keep me from accusations, it certainly didn't protect Daniel, but he walked into the lion's den confident he had done no wrong before God and whether he was rescued or died he was at peace.

In the end I know a lot of my anger stemmed from getting called out on something  knew was wrong but I had justified in my mind.  It was and is hard to admit you are wrong when people calling you out feel like enemies.  But I am accountable to God and sometimes he uses people I don't like very much to do a work in my life.  So I am turning my anger over to God and learning to humbly accept the lessons before me.

I go forward not with a desire to do better and please man but with a desire to please God and to bring glory to Him in everything I do.

"For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." Gal 1:10

Melanie's Must Read List #5

I think I bought this book for myself for Easter.  I like to buy devotion books at that time of year.  My sister had it and was raving about it and I had heard others say good things so I picked it up.  All the hype you have heard, true.  It is fantastic.  It is written like Jesus is talking to you and probably the biggest negative I can say about it is that I am afraid I will start quoting it like scripture.  I want to memorize a line or two practically every day!

I think the biggest theme I have noticed is Jesus calling us into his presence.  To be aware of His presence and live our lives accordingly.  It speaks to me every single day as if it was written for the specific moment and issue I am having in my life.  Amazing.  Then she adds 2-4 scriptures at the end to back up the theme she has written for that day and that is where I have gotten some of my guiding scriptures these past few months.  They give legtiamacy to her writing and create an even richer time sitting in Jesus presence.

I love a good devotional book.  One that is short and leads me to some scripture that I can then meditate on and further discover God's truths on my own.  And this book meets those requirements.  Plus there is a devotion for every day of the year, 365 devotions, so you won't have to find another great book anytime soon.  As a writer I often think about the time and work that must have gone into coming up with 365 different yet wonderful ideas for this book.  I am in awe of it.

In case you aren't quite ready to commit to a year long devotional book I also really loved "A Journey into Spiritual Growth" by Evelyn Christenson.  I have to admit that in the book store that title probably would not have convinced me to take it off the shelf but my sister had in on the shelf in her guest room so I started reading it and somehow it mysteriously jumped into my suitcase on the way home and I looked forward to my time with God every morning just to read this short devotional and prayer.  Like with Jesus calling I often felt each devotion was written just for me and couldn't believe the power of God to cause a woman to write a devotion years before knowing that I would be sitting in my gazebo reading it at the exact moment it was relevant for my life.

2 more books to check out.  I will add that I have added links to the books so you can click and order them if you want.  Or not, either way.  But I noticed you can get the Evelyn Christiansen book used for 1 cent which is not as good a deal as stealing it from your sister but comes pretty close.  I will make about .0004 cents on it so you will be helping build my empire.  One brick at a time.  Or in this case a tablespoon of the mortar to attach the bricks once I get them.

Wicked and Upright

When life gets hard there is just one place to go, to the Word, to God. And I found a few verses I was enjoying last week including this one:

Ps 32:10 "Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

I came across a couple verses with this idea of the Lord's love surrounding us and it just felt like a verbal hug from God which was just what I needed.

So I was reviewing this section of scripture at lunch when suddenly the first part of the verse struck me in a new way. I always read these verses with a sense of the wicked vs those who love the Lord but that day I realized we were ALL the wicked but some of us choose to trust in the Lord. "Many are the woes of the wicked". We are all wicked and we all have many woes. "But the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."

Several years ago I was in this bible study and the question of original sin came up. We asked ourselves if the bad things of life are the result of original sin. I was going through infertility at that time and mis understood the question a little and talked about how when bad things happen that does not mean you sinned, I wasn't infertile because of my own sin. They all agreed and we moved on. I don't know if everyone mis understood the question or if they were too nice to correct me but the following week I saw the question again and realized my mistake. It wasn't a question of whether each of our personal sins causes our own bad things to happen, but whether or not Adam and Eve's sins brought bad into the world of which we are still affected to this day.

It is really a fascinating question because it allows me to wonder, would anyone suffer infertility if Adam and Eve hadn't first sinned? Would there be pre-mature death? Or what about economic turmoil which causes you to loose your job and your house? Think of all the evil and problems in the world and wonder, would these things exist if Adam and Eve had not sinned?

But then I wonder something else. If Adam and Eve hadn't sinned, wouldn't someone else along the way have done it anyway? Because, we are all wicked. And our morality didn't rest on whether or not Adam and Eve made the choice, we all have the opportunity to make the choice and we all fail. The question is, do we turn back to God and trust Him? Do we allow the Lord's unfailing Love to surround us despite our sinful nature or do we turn our backs on Him and ultimately perish?

So really, the sin in this world is probably a combination of both Adam and Eve's sin and our sin. They let it in but no generation has ever been able to get free of it. If I was in the garden, I suppose I would have done the same thing.

I am wicked and many are my woes but I trust in the Lord's and am surrounded by His unfailing love for me. The Psalm ends with:

"Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!

And, thanks to Jesus, that is me too!

Escaping the Black Hole

This morning I couldn't get out of bed.  Yesterday I could barely drag myself out of bed.  It is dark and cold when my alarm goes off which clearly signals to my body that I need to continue sleeping.  Hibernation.

I knew this would happen when I started setting my alarm 6 months ago.  It is easy to spring out of bed at 6am when the sun is streaming in through the windows, the house is a comfortable 70 degrees and your whole life is new.  It is fun to go on a run just after sunrise but not so much in pitch dark.

Still today it felt like more.  It felt like a black hole.  I had spent the night before laying on the couch watching tv, then I went to bed before 10pm and I still can't get out of bed.  It felt like my life was being sucked into a black hole.

This is what happens when you loose your focus and don't have goals.  Nothing.  "What is it?" they asked in the Neverending Story. "The Nothing".  Do you remember that movie?  The nothing was taking over their land.  Now it is taking over my life.

OK, ok you know I have goals.  I always have goals.  But somehow I got off track and forgot what they were, stopped pursuing them.

So this morning when I woke up there was nothing to spring out of bed for.  I hadn't planned to go on a run, had no blog post thoughts, hadn't really sat down for an extended time with God in weeks and so it seemed like there was just no reason to get out of bed early.  I didn't care if the laundry needed to be caught up, the kitchen cleaned or the check book updated.  It would all get done when it had to be done and I just couldn't be excited about it at 6am when I knew my house was cold and covered in clutter I couldn't take care of in an hour.

But finally I got out of bed and started at the beginning.  Not the beginning of the laundry pile or dirty dishes but the real beginning.  I spent and hour with God.  My mind wandered a few times, it does that, but overall I managed to feel a little more hopeful than I did when that alarm went off.  Nothing life changing but the peace and hope that comes from the love of God which wraps its arms around me whenever I am feeling a little disconnected.

"Many are the woes of the wicked but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts Him."  Ps 32:10

Waiting in Hope

Yesterday I read a devotional by Philip Yancey in "Our Daily Bread" about Patience that I just had to share.  One part in particular stood out to me, "God, who is timeless, requires of us a mature faith that may involve delays that seem like trials.  Patience is one sign of that maturity, a quality that can develop only through the passing of time."   Good stuff.  We can only learn to be patient by being patient.

I am realizing we are definitely in a waiting season of life.  Right now we are waiting to see what happens with John's dad's cancer.  We are waiting to begin the transition of John becoming a full time student and me a full time employee.  Then we will be waiting for John to finish school.  We are waiting for our children to grow up.  And I suppose for the past several years we have been waiting for God to tell us how to get out of this financial instability.  This list could go on and on.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His Word I do hope." Ps 130:5  This has me thinking about the word "hope".  I blogged about the word a couple years ago and the lessons I learned about what it meant for me going through infertility but I never put it together with my waiting.  As we are waiting we can believe that God is working for us, preparing us, has a plan for us.

So as we begin to transition into our new stage of life that can only be described as temporary, a place of waiting, I will have hope knowing that God has led us here and will lead us through.

Why don't I listen?

I don't know if you have figured this out yet by I like to lead by example.  Bad examples.

I have been reading a book called, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan.  If you haven't read it I urge you to run to the nearest store and get it.  Wonderful.  Life changing.  I realized that it would only be truly life changing if my husband and son also read it so my plan was to finish it before I left for Florida so they could read it while I was gone.  Of course I didn't finish it on time and was torn between taking it with me to finish the last 3 chapters or leave it for them and finish it when the return.  Repeatedly as I packed the day before and the morning of my departure the idea come into my head to leave the book because I would come across it while I was traveling and would finish someone else's book.  I contemplated where I might find this book and ruled out options and I am ashamed to say brought it with me.

And because God likes to teach me lessons one of the first things I saw when I walked into the condo was my mom's copy of "Crazy Love" sitting on a table.  There it was, the book God was telling me I could read.  And I refused to trust Him and listen.

AND, while God didn't tell me to leave "The Help" at home it was sitting on the nightstand waiting for me. I had sent Jake out to the Library last night to quickly grab the book from the hold shelf when I discovered I had finally made it to the top of the waiting list.

2 less things I would have had to bring.

What would happen if we truly trusted God to provide for all our needs?  That is one of the questions Francis Chan asks.  I think I know the answer.

But I thought...

Last Sunday I rallied the family for a little cleaning time.  I assigned my husband the vacuuming duty as I have since day one of our marriage when I informed him vacuuming must be men's work because I sweat when I do it.  I have vacuumed many times since becoming a full time homemaker but anytime we take a team cleaning approach vacuuming duty always reverts back to John.  I cleaned the bathrooms while he vacuumed and then went to mop the hardwood floors and kitchen floor when he was done.  As I began I came across crumbs, and then more and then it became apparent that he hadn't vacuumed the hard floors at all but just hit the area rug in the living room and Isabelle's bedroom and then did the downstairs.  At first it was funny, but then I started feeling put off and I came to the conclusion that he didn't really want to vacuum and he purposely did a crappy job yet never told me he didn't want to vacuum.  I was upset that rather than telling me the truth he would just do the crappy job.  I mean, if he told me ahead then I would have just done it myself and it would have been fine.  I was in cleaning mode and wouldn't have minded if he wasn't.  However, when he does a crappy job and now I have to re-do the whole thing when I wasn't expecting to then that is just mean.  And now I am mad.  So I inform him I am mad that he would do such a crappy job on purpose when he could have just told me that he didn't want to vacuum.  He looks at me like I have totally lost my mind, like he has entered an alternate universe.  Since the truth was that he didn't know I usually vacuumed all the hard floors upstairs and while he wasn't in the mood to do his typical detailed vacuuming job he was more than happy to help out with the vacuuming.  It was not some secret message to me about how he was bitter about having to help out.  Although now that I was attacking him for nothing he was feeling a little bitter.

But I thought...

I must admit this is definitely not the first time I have been mad at him because I jumped to a conclusion before finding out the truth.  And the bummer is that even though he has done nothing wrong I am now all hot under the collar and it takes me time to come down from my high and mighty, albeit wrong, location and restore communication.

You would think I would learn. 

I have also been the victim of the "I thought" attack having my words or actions misinterpreted by friends and family members and getting attacked for something I never did and having to try to explain to a person that what they think happened did not actually happen.  I am sorry they feel hurt but I can't really be sorry for something I did not in fact do.  It is amazing how tightly we will hold on to our "I thought".  Sometimes those "I thought" fights have completely fractured relationships.

This week I was reading in John (the book of the bible not my husband) chapter 7, where Jesus has been in Judea and the priests and Pharisees are wanting to condemn him.  There is a bunch of talk about the fact that they know the Messiah will come from Bethlehem and from the line of David.  This man comes from Galilee and everyone knows nothing good comes from there. 

v9 "Nicodemus, who had gone to Jesus earlier and who was one of their own number, asked, "Does our law condemn anyone without first hearing him to find out what he is doing?"  They replied, "Are you from Galilee, too?  Look into it, and you will find that a prophet does not come out of Galilee."

(Ha ha, knowing the truth don't you think that interaction is a little comical?)

The rulers "thought" they knew the truth and there was no reason to ask or confirm the obvious truth that Jesus could not possibly be the Christ.  They made their decision, came to a conclusion and condemned Jesus.

I wonder if after the resurrection any of them were saying, "but I thought..."

Our thoughts are powerful things. They can take us to new heights and down to new lows.  I often hear God speak to me in a thought but just as easily I can be fooled by lies within my thoughts.

In 2 Cor it says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

To control our thoughts rather than let them control us.  Oh, I dream to teach this to my children.  Our minds, they are big places.  Too often we think we are in control of our own minds only to find out we are being controlled by them.

As I have "thought" on this topic for a couple weeks now I have been amazed at how often I have seen people respond to something based on their "I thought".  It has really changed my perspective on things and on how I am interacting and what truth I am telling myself.

Today at church I was faced with a situation that I have in the past "thought" and gotten mad about but today I gave those thoughts to the Lord and let the truth settle on me and was able to avoid a totally unnecessary confrontation but instead spend my time doing what I was made to do, worship the Lord.

What have you "thought" this week?

An even bigger God

I realize that I covered the "big God" topic just a couple weeks ago but it seems like He just keeps getting bigger as I keep trying to fit him into my own understanding.  I keep forgetting how incomprehensible God really is.

So lately I have been praying a lot for my brother in law.  The short story is that there is some serious spiritual warfare happening around him as God fights for his soul against the enemy.  Lately I have been literally envisioning angels and demons going at it above his head. (I am not sure about the exact theological understanding behind the idea of angels and demons fighting over my head that is just the visual I am using at this time.)

My teenage son is well...a teenager.  And he is easily distracted by shiny things, or pretty things or well anything that tells him he is in charge and his parents are stupid.  So after a particularly disheartening interaction last night I asked God if maybe he could send one or two of those angles battling for CJ over to protect Jake.  I am not sure if we are in a battle quite yet but he is definitely vulnerable.

On the one hand I did realize God was big enough to handle both Jake and CJ simultaneously but on the other hand I clearly wasn't thinking big enough.

So this morning I call my sister in law to chat and before I can complain about my problems she tells me what happened to her brother the night before.  Apparently God brought him to the right location, at the right moment to hear his neighbor call for help, immediately ran over and was able to perform CPR on the neighbors 2 year old son who he had just pulled out of the pond behind their house, save the child and go with the father to comfort and help him to the hospital.  He likely would not have heard the call for help if he was elsewhere on the property and is not normally in that location.

All the while He is battling demons above CJ's head and standing guard at my son's heart he is also orchestrating events to save the life of little boy in Iowa.  How many millions of other details is God taking care of at this very moment that I will never know?

It blows my mind.

Dreaming the dreams

Some experiences shape your life profoundly and years later when it seems like a distant memory no longer relevant for your life you can still turn to it for guidance.  Infertility is that for me.  No mater how far I get from it or how unrelated my current life circumstances may be I can always go back to that place and the lessons I learned to push me forward to the next thing.  I have randomly shared other lessons in this blog which maybe I should go back and organize as today I share another thought.

Infertility lesson of the day:

One of the many hard things about infertility is loosing that sense of control.  Being able to feel like you can look into the future and have a sense of where you are going.  Suddenly you can't have another child and realize that not only do you not have control of your fertility, you never really did, and you can't control any other aspect of your life either.

I had a vision of how my life would go.  I would have a second child and then right away try for the 3rd and maybe even 4th child.  I would put all my energy into stearing my heard through life, they would all be wonderful, perfect children who would grow up to be wonderful adults.  They would rise up and call me blessed.  It was such a beautiful dream.

Today I am thinking about those dreams dreamed that never come to fruition.  About letting go of what you thought was and letting God give you new dreams. 

Over the years I have actually dreamed a lot of forgotten dreams:  When I was little I wanted to own a card shop like my Aunt and Uncle, in high school I dreamed I would grow up and be a powerful business woman.  I dreamed I would live in Arizona but then decided I liked the southern accents and would rather be in the south, NOT the frozen tundra.  My sister is living out this dream for me.  After marrying at 19 I dreamed I would finish my college degree by the time I was 30, I guess I should have taken some classes.  And I dreamed I would have 3 or 4 kids piled on top of each other. 

Although I still wouldn't mind living a little further south, I do not regret the loss of any of those dreams.  Including the pile of kids.  I have loved giving up the opportunity for a career in the business world to be home with my children as a powerful mom and helping my husband become a powerful business owner, I have gotten to educate myself over the years on exactly what I want to learn without the annoyance of grades, papers, accountability.  And I love raising 2 only children more than I can express.  Plus I have quite the pile of neices and nephews to keep me busy.

Actually in some ways I have seen fulfilment of those dreams, just not exactly the way I imagined it.  And here comes the lesson...my dreams were fulfilled exactly how God imagined it.  None of those past dreams holds any desire for me compared to the joy I have experienced living in God's will instead of my own.

Lately I have spent a fair amount of time with the dream of financial security.  I dream of a nice sized emergency savings account, a fully funded HSA and retirement accounts that will get me past my first few months of retirement.  Growth and a consistent income from our business.  Is that too much to dream?  Some days it definitely seems like it.

Then I am reminded of God's control and God's dream for my life. 

I read a devotional recently in which the writer was speaking some of my same frustrations.  Just as she gets a few dollars in the emergency savings something always comes up.  If only they could build it up she would feel safe and relieve stress.  But then she was reminded of Gideon.  He had the numbers to feel somewhat safe against the army coming to attack but God kept sending soldiers home until there was a decidedly unsafe number left.  Then GOD went into battle and prevailed against the attacking army.

If God can keep Israel safe with an underfunded soldier account then he can probably keep me safe with an under funded emergency account.  The point being not that we don't need an emergency fund but that God is there caring for us wherever we are in the process and rather than focusing on what we do not have, money or, as in the past, a baby, and living in fear and worry we need to focus on God, his power and provision in our lives and believe that in His time and in His way we will live the perfect dream.

Ash Wednesday

We got Netflix recently and along with our new larger tv we have been sucked into some sort of media vortex.  Since we haven't had cable in many years I am way behind on non-network tv shows and so thought I would watch a few I have heard so much about.  I started with the show "Weeds" which while I realized was about a pot dealing soccer mom I thought could be interesting.  For reasons unknown to me I watched the entire first season during a weeks worth of lunches.  I beg you not to become curious but to avoid this all together.  My soul hurt after the week was over.  It is watching a pornographic world full of people with no morals or values who are torn between trying to pretend they have they have morals and values or just living a life of total self indulgece and debautchery.  Let's all put a big fat NO on that one.

So I mention my disappointment to some neighbors who hadn't seen the show but had netflix.  One neighbor recommended a show called "the tudors" which is based on the life of Henry the 8th when he was a young king.  I like history and so a show based on history could be good.  It isn't.  It is a show based in the whatever past century Henry the 8th lived where they have no morals or values.  Having learned from watching "Weeds" that it doesn't get better I cut my loses after the 2nd episode.

So realizing nothing made for Showtime TV should be on my viewing list, John and I decided to watch something a little safer.  We have been watching the short lived but well loved series, "Firefly".  It has been an entertaining show and we are 2 episodes away from the end of the 1 season series and are looking forward to the follow up movie.

After watching the two showtime shows I came to the conclusion that the main problem with both shows was that there were no good people in them.  The heros are bad, the villians are bad.  The writers seem to make an assumption that nobody ever does the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing.  Even people in high religious positions are corrupt only interested in the power of their position.  If a person does appear sincere in their faith they are militantly so and totally ignorant.  There are just no truly good people in these worlds.  It is disturbing to imagine what the world would be like today if that were true.  If in reality nobody in Henry the 8th's world was good.  If none of the Arch Bishops of the Catholic church actually believed enough to follow God above the king.  Now I don't want to sugar coat the history of the world or anything, there is plenty of evil and corruption throughout our history on both the winning and loosing sides.  I just know that there does exist in this world people of faith who are willing to do the right thing and there is a God who loves us, cares for us and protects us.

Last night as I was watching another episode of the much tamer and safer "Firefly" I had a realization, this show has the same problem.  None of the heros of that show are really good people either.  They do some good things and occasionally show heart but at the end of the day they aren't good people either.

So I am thinking that Hollywood has totally lost any sense reality.  OK I did figure that out a while back but it was really striking me last night.

Then today, on the first day of lent, I had an even more rude realization...They are right!  There are no truly good people!  We are all sinners.  We are all self involved, morally corrupt and lacking in values.  It is only through the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ that any of us can stand tall and even attempt to pretend it is otherwise.

Even though I have been an Anglican for 6 years now I am still learning to wrap my Baptist brain around Lent.  I am not sure I am totally ready to express my understanding of Lent but I think I may have begun to find a couple thoughts here today from my corrupt tv viewing habits.

In the evangelical protesant traditions the focus is always on our forgiveness and salvation.  We have confessed and been forgiven.  Our sin is forgotten and gone, move on.  In the Anglican tradition we remember we are sinners.  Not to remind us of our shame, not to dwell on our sin but to remember the gift.  How can we appreciate the joy and celebration that Easter is if we don't remember the sin and sorrow from which we have been freed?

Tonight we will go to the Ash Wednesday service.  We will be reminded as we recieve the ashes on our forehead that we were dust and to dust we shall return.  It is a humbling reminder of who we really are, that we are all marked for our sin, and what Jesus has really done for us.

Bring it on

Some days are stressful.  Some weeks are stressful.  Some years are stressful.  It is part of life.  The question is, "how do we deal with that stress?"

I often wonder particularly during times of stress, what it would be like to not know God.  How do you get up every day thinking this is it?  This just might be as good as it gets for me.  Even when life is good that is a depressing thought.  When I am stressed I cannot imagine not knowing that God has a plan and is preparing me for a future in Glory with Him.

Usually when we are really stressed out, as we were this past weekend when John had a major problem come up at his job site, I like to consider the worst case scenario.  In this case it would be not getting paid for the job, getting sued, having to close the business, loose the house and file bankruptcy.  Yes that would be terrible but then again there are days when I just want to chuck it all and start over again.  So I guess once you get through the mess it might be good.  After you go there the reality doesn't seem too bad.

I know it is probably weird that following my stress out to the worst case scenario makes me feel better but I am just special that way.  I think it is because I know that no matter what I am nestled safe in my Father's arms.  I have started living my life with an attitude of, "what next God?"  "Can't wait to see how you are going to work in this one."  My job is simply to do my job.  God's job is to make it all work together for His good and over the years I have discovered it is pretty fun to see him make that happen.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Rom 8:28

Mundane and Grace

I am becoming a reading machine!  Isabelle and I have gone to the library 2 weeks in a row and I keep coming home with good books.  Right now I am powering through this great, quick, Christian read.  It is called, "At the corner of Mundane and Grace" by Chris Fabry.  How great a title is that?  I wish I could rename my blog that.  The book is pre-blog world written in 1999 but is basically set up like a series of blog posts.  Stories of the everyday of this guys life while opening his eyes to the amazing ways God is present.

It has me thinking about my life right now.  And the return of winter.  I have predictably and manically gone from the victorious heights of the near 50 degree day to the defeated lows of too much snow and stinging wind.  Dear God PLEASE deliver me!  I cannot do this one more day.

Then I think about my life at the corner of Mundane and Grace.  Why am I so quick to bask in the joy of a lazy summer afternoon but I bitterly endure a cold winter afternoon?  I am missing in my misery the chance to enjoy cuddling up under a blanket with my daughter or husband on the couch.  To enjoy a warm roaring fire.  The cup of hot tea.  The coats ability to cover a bad outfit when you are out.  To have no reason or desire to leave the house and the opportunity it gives to spend more time with the family, get projects done.  I won't have those wonderful gifts in the summer.

So this week I am thankful for more everyday mundane things:

• not sliding into that cold on the way home from the grocery store.
• setting up a "play date" for Jake because his friend lost his cell phone privileges but his mom and I didn't.
• Knowing Jake's friends are comfortable enough to hang out at our house when Jake has to leave for 2 hours.
• Jake's first behind the wheel lesson.
• The end of wrestling
• The beginning of my son home after school.
• tough teachers who give detention to a student who is chronically 1 minute late.
• Swimming with Isabelle one last time before they close the pool for remodeling.
• 100 days of school.
• Boxing with you daughter on wii sports.

Passionate Doldrums

Regular life is buzzing along here in MN. 

Yesterday spring ended and winter returned with a 12+ inches and counting snowfall. John was busy re-wiring his plow the night before the snowstorm and has been out since Sunday afternoon clearing clients driveways.  Of course his plow broke at the last account but it sounds like he will be able to fix it and still make the continuing ed class he is supposed to take today for his contractor license.  It should be canceled but it won't be.  This is MN, we just keep plowing forward no matter what the weather.  Conveniently, for the second time this school year our district had the foresight to pre-plan a day off immediately following a big snow storm so they wouldn't be forced to cancel school or, more likely, ask students to come in during the snow storm.  I also, conveniently, changed my work day from Monday to Tuesday this week so that I would not have to leave the house on this blustery day either. 

In other news, Wrestling is about a week from ending which will return my son to a more relaxed and more available schedule.  I, of course, have a long list of things we have been putting off until wrestling is over.  For instance, study for the SAT which he is taking March 12th, get a job, choose and begin working on the preliminary paperwork for eagle scout project.  You know, just a couple little things.

Isabelle's emotional management continues to exhaust me.  Yesterday she had a break down during the service because the little girl whose parents play music for our worship did not sit by her but by another friend.  Therefore, Isabelle concludes, she hates Isabelle and Isabelle has no friends and it is the worst day ever.  As we walked down for communion I told her all those things were lies and if it was a bad day she could keep it to herself.  Once home she had a break down because I wouldn't let her watch yet another day of netflix (we just got it and have been indulging in its novelty.)  Then she comes up with something she knows I don't like to do, glitter, which I say no to and has another break down.  Finally we agree to play a game but when she is sulking every time I get one space in front and then breaks down when I win 2 times in a row I tell her nobody likes to play with someone who is a sore looser and we aren't playing again.  That was about 20 minutes of breakdown in her room.  She FINALLY decided to just move on with her life and play with the many toys she has and the rest of the day went pretty well.  While I didn't say much to her during that seveal hour long break down about chosing joy I did manage to give my son a short speech about it last night.

I continue on through my life.  My job is going better as I learn more and more and become comfortable with the routine.  I have read 2 books in the last week per my new goal.  "Home to Holly Springs" and "Miss Julia Speaks Her Mind".  Both were entertaining quick reads.  I reserved a couple more books at the library and am waiting for them to come in.  I am managing to keep the house up again after the January transition with work and Dorothy which caused life to fall apart a little.  And I have re-engaged my brain in women's ministry and retreat planning.

It is a lot to manange, this life and family of mine.  And it is nice to be in this place where things are going along in some state of chaotic normal.  There are no crisis' in our life right now, no big changes, no difficult relationships to deal with, no financial strains, no health problems.  Just the regular doldrums of life.

Yet I am noticing that in the regular day to day of life I just move forward in a day to day way.  I loose the intensity and passion for life that exists in times of crisis.  And I forget to rely on God as heavily as I do in times of crisis.  He is still there and I still acnowledge him but somehow I forget to continue relying on Him.  I don't walk through my life with the anticipation of seeing him work the way I do when I am in crisis.  I am not as open to hearing from Him and listening for what he would have me do each day.  I just do the same thing each day, what is in front of me.  I get up, get dressed, work, clean, make meals, meet friends for coffee, exercise, watch tv read, go to Jake's wrestling meets, play games with Isabelle.  When life is simple I just go through the motions.

I want my boring day to day life to have as much passion for God as my life in crisis has.  I want to depend on God as heavily in the good, peaceful times of life as I do in the stressful and dificult times.

My need for God and my totaly helplessness is so clear in those times of need.  But my need and helplessness is no less in times of peace.  God's daily presence in my life gives me purpose, brings me joy, direction, clarity.  No day with God is ever boring.  There are no doldrums with God.  He brings passion to everything I do.

Psalm 5:3
"In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

Be Joyful

This year one of my main goals is to help my daughter better control her emotions and tell herself the truth.  As I listen to her complain and watch her break down emotionally over the smallest things I can see how this will be one of the most important lessons I can teach her.

I see in myself and others how often we tell ourselves lies and respond as if they were true.

I might wake up one morning and decide I am fat and my hair is bad.  Everything I do that day reflects this faulty thinking.  I will dress a little more sloppy, not put as much effort into my usual morning routine, avoid interaction with other people and show little confidence when I do talk with others.

Our self talk, controlling our mind and telling ourself the truth are vitally important to every part of our lives.

In her dramatic 5 year old world she tell herself much more serious lies.  When I am combing her hair and it pulls she will yell out, "I wish I were never born!"  While the extremity of the statement may be funny, to let that negative thinking continue can become much more serious as she gets older.  She will tell herself her friends don't like her if they don't sit next to her in a group, her life will be "ruined" when she doesn't get her way, and it will be "the worst day ever!" if I ask her to try new food.

So we are learning to think differently around here.  We can choose to have a positive or negative outlook on life.  I don't believe we have innate optimistic or pessimistic views of life but rather we develop habits and thinking patterns throughout our lives. 

OK from a biblical view I would say we have an innate pessimistic view of life, and without God it is probably well put, but we can choose to be free from our sinful, pessimistic self with the help of the Lord.

So this year I am going to be working to help Isabelle start her life on a positive note which I pray she will continue throughoutt her life.

I was telling a friend about my big plan recently and she thought it was wonderful.  Yes that was a good idea.  "How do you do that?", she asked.  I don't know!  I have identified the problem and the need.  Isn't that enough?

So far my plan has consisted of simply pointing out the lies and negative thinking.  "Why wouldn't you want to be born?  I would miss you." "If you lived with Lauren you would still have to...take a bath, brush your teeth, comb your hair, make your bed..."  This morning as she stood in -20 degree weather waiting for the bus and yelling, "I hate winter!  I hate being cold!"  I controlled my urge to join her and instead jumped up and down (to warm up) and said, "we love how strong and adventurous MN winters make us!" (maybe someday I will believe it.)

Today the Lord began giving me some spiritual direction for this journey.  I came across a note in my Study Bible about being joyful.  It starts out, "unlike much of contemporary society, the Bible does not confuse joy with happiness."  I was reminded that we choose joy.  And that is exactly what my daughter is not doing.  We aren't going to love every moment of our lives but that doesn't mean we have to climb in the mud because of it.  The commentary goes on to say, "joy is more of a process, often developed most profoundly during periods of chaos and suffering. (like suffering through a MN winter?)  The deep, sustaining joy of the Lord comes from an assurance that he is with us and will deliver us...from this scarred and stained world.  Such joy is able to express its hope, even in the middle of legitimate sadness."

My girlfriend who asked me how I was going to help my daughter think differently actually turned out to be the one who had the answer all along.  That same evening during a different conversation she shared the fact that her boys tease her about the word "joyful" being one of her top 5 words she says all the time.  "Be joyful."  Thank you friend.

1 Thes 5:16
"Be joyful always."

John 15:11
"I have told you this so my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

It's all good

I think the older I get the less things rattle me.  Not that I have ever been one to get all crazy emotional over things but definitely in my youth I was much more easily overwhelmed.

This weekend within a day and a half I had 3 things hit me.  One was Dorothy which i mentioned in the previous post, another was a big fight with my son and his girlfriend and the third was some potentially stressful news regarding my new job.  Normally I might shut down.  But, while I would definitely say I was off my game, this weekend I never felt rattled.

I know God is here.  I know he is working.  I know God has placed me in this job and whatever He has for me there I am ready to walk through.  I know my son and I believe God is walking with us as we prepare him for adulthood.  And I know God is with Dorothy.

I don't know why God does what He does.  I don't know why he socks us with so many things at once, why he doesn't spread these things out a little more.  But I know this..."in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Rom 8:28

So I am just going to relax and watch God work.

Putting out a fleece

On my mind lately has been the story of Gideon from the bible.  Remember when God told him He would save Israel but Gideon wasn't totally sure he believed so he put out a fleece one night and asked God to make it wet but the ground dry if he heard right.  So God did that but he still wasn't sure so he put it back and asked God to make it dry and the ground wet this time.  And God did that.  And then apparently Gideon believed God because he proceeded to march out with much faith and obeyed every crazy instruction God gave him after that and defeated the Midianites.

So why is this on my mind?  I have been thinking of it as I have asked God impossible things and seen him answer.

I am currently thinking of my new job.  As I have indicated in past posts, money is a little tight around here.  It isn't really anything particularly new, we have been in tight financial spots before, but this time I started feeling like it might be time for me to get a job.  Or what I like to call a J-O-B.  I had one self employed friend who referred to it as a "job-job".  Not just a job where you work but a job where you are employed.  Having spent over 10 years primarily supporting ourselves through our business I can tell you there is a difference.

However, with Isabelle only in 1/2 day kindergarten and me having not worked seriously outside the home for most of the last 16 years not to mention the poor economy, I wasn't exactly marketable.  Can I also mention I have no college degree and am 16 years behind on office technology and current software.  My last job used a DOS based word processor.  My resume wasn't going to overwhelm anyone.  I am fantastic and brilliant but you have to know me, I come across a little dumb on paper.

None-the-less I really started feeling a strong sense that I should seek a job.  I finally told God that I was willing to work but the job would have to fall in my lap if this was the year because I wasn't going to pound the pavement until Isabelle was in 1st grade.

I put out my fleece.

God made it wet.

I noticed my insurance agent took several days to return a phone call because it turned out he was sick.  In a follow up email to him I asked him if he was looking for an assistant because I was thinking about getting a part time job.  A brief phone call later I was filling out an application, getting approved by the parent insurance company and had a job that met all the criteria I could hope for with hours, flexibility and pay.  I never even went in for an interview.

After that initial phone call I asked God to put up a big, tall brick wall if I wasn't supposed to take this job.

I put out the fleece again.

God left it dry.  No wall, just a clear, smooth road.

I remember when I first heard God tell me it was time for that second baby I had given up hope for.  I had moved on and was perfectly happy with my one and only child and was trying very hard to ignore him.  After a few weeks of God harassing me I finally told him that even if I was willing to consider it there was no way I was bringing it up with my equally happy to have an only child husband.  So, I told God, go harass him!  Wouldn't you know that is exactly what he did and here we are years later with that baby God was preparing us for now in Kindergarten.  Thank you Lord for your harassment.

Based on the commentary of my bible and the commentary of my bible commentary book I am not sure this is the exact application of this scripture.  There seems to be a criticism of Gideon for asking God to prove himself.  Yet right or wrong it seems to me that God honors our human nature of doubt and fear when our motives are bound in faith.  Gideon wasn't asking God to perform tricks.  He wasn't trying to figure out how much he could manipulate God.  He truly was seeking to know and believe.  Yes it would be better if he simply had pure faith and believed right away but that isn't real.  Our human nature fears and doubts.  While it might not be an example of perfect faith God did choose to honor Gideon's request not once but twice.  And in doing so Gideon became so convinced of God's promise to save Israel that he willingly sent almost his entire army home at God's command and despite insurmountable odds went confidently to battle against a much larger army and won.

So right or wrong on Gideon's part I think the bottom line is that God knows our faith can be weak at times.  We can doubt and be afraid.  And he wants to comfort and reassure us.

Not like when my daughter stands in defiance of me and then cries because I hurt her feelings when I got mad and wants me to comfort her.  That is not the kind of thing we are talking about here.  This is more like when my daughter is afraid of dogs yet I know my friends dog won't hurt her.  I am willing to walk her by the dog, pick her up or go pet the dog myself to prove to her that what I am telling her is true.  The dog is safe.  I would love it if she would just trust me on that but I know her fear comes not from doubt of me but doubt of the dog.  So I prove to her.  Once the truth is seen she usually plays just fine around the dog.  I even heard recently that she dared to pet the dog.  Stepping out in faith.

You can read about Gideon and the fleece in Judges 6:36-40.  But then you should probably keep reading to see how strong his faith became as he went to battle for the Lord.