emerging from my nymphal skeleton

I am constantly amazed at the amount of nature I discover in my own back yard.  This weekend we found a cicada in the process of emerging from his nymphal skeleton(I googled it to get that phrase).  It was so cool and so I sat down to watch it.

As I sat there the slightly twisted part of me got to thinking about how easy it would be for me to just reach over and pull it out (which my years of watching the nature channel with hubby have taught me is not good for it.)  Or I could just kill it, they do make annoying sounds.  A little flick and it would be gone.  Or a bird or other animal could easily swing by and eat it while it was emerging.  I mean, you can't tell in these pictures but, it wasn't moving very fast.

Which got me to thinking about how vulnerable it was.  Yet here it was taking the big risk to literally break out of its shell and become something greater.  And that got me to thinking about taking a risk, allowing myself to be vulnerable so that I can become more.  It is hard to drop your guard, slowly start stretching beyond your normal boundaries and hope that while you are getting out and finding your footing nobody comes along and squashes you or eats you.

In a few weeks I am going to launch my new web site for women who have gone back to work after being at home.  I have been talking about this idea for a year as I struggled to transition without finding any resources to encourage me.  As I get closer to completing the site and thinking about the launching, it is both exciting and terrifying.  And I definitely feel vulnerable.  But I know that in order to grow and become, in order to reach my goals and provide for this family while John is in school, I need to take risks and I believe they will be worth the effort.

(this picture is from a web site, I wasn't patience enough to see it come out)

So when you see my project next month try not to squish me.

Back home for work

And she'll have fun, fun, fun til the bank takes her house awaaaaay.

Can I just tell you I am loving my new job?  I love working from home.  Actually, now that I have gotten a very broad overview training online, I am in the office this week while I wait for my computer to arrive and get set up.  Next Monday I will wake up, open the laptop and...probably panic.  But then I will find a starting point and move forward one step at a time and it will be great!  I am going to have a bit of a learning curve but I am enjoying it.  I feel energized by what I am learning not wiped out by it. Who knew you could have that experience?

I am also feeling a little guilty.  I suppose not unlike when a woman quits her job to be a homemaker, or the way my mom felt when she retired.  Am I doing enough?  My mom used to call me when she first retired and tell me she had watched Matlock for 2 hours and then ask me if it was OK.  I never thought about whether I was allowed to be a bum for an hour or two or a whole day, I just did it.  And in her retirement I released my mom to embrace that same attitude.  But now that I am home but working I am never sure if I have done enough.  Watching 2 hours of Matlock definitely does  not seem like something I have permission to do.

And I am nervous.  I am making less money at this job but with the idea that I will generate at least a little self employment income by the time John returns to school in the fall.  I am unsure I am allowed to sit down or stop working until I have made that happen.

So I sort of wander the house feeling a little twitchy and wondering if I have justified my existence for the day.

The woman teaching me this new job has been doing it for 6 years.  She knows what needs to be done, when it needs to be done and it all sort of just flows out of her by instinct.  So breaking it down and teaching it to me has been a bit of a chore.  I feel like she is going all over the place and I am not sure I am tracking.  I know in a few months I will start to develop that same sense of knowing what needs to be done, what can wait and how much time I need to spend each day and on what.  I will have developed my own system and be able to jump around and track things.  I know this because when I was a homemaker I had that down.  I had a system, I had a plan, I could go from one unrelated thing to the next and back without missing a beat.  I knew I could spend an afternoon watching Matlock and still get the house picked up and dinner started by 5pm.  Or I knew I could skip making dinner and we could go out.  And of course some days I just let it all go to the pit because I knew tomorrow was another day and I could pull it back together then.

This is the the vision I keep in my head as I go about each day feeling a little twitchy and wondering if I have yet justified my existence.  Eventually I will find that balance.  I will know how much I can do in a day, how much I need to do in a day and how to prioritize it all so it gets done AND I have time to do my nails.  (I miss Melanie time.)

Never a dull moment here!  We press on.

A week of Fridays

When I was a homemaker Monday was my favorite day of the week.  The fresh beginning of the week.  The day to take back control of my home and life after a crazy weekend.  When I started working last year I was determined to take the same attitude into the workplace.  But, let's face it, I was at working outside the home and while I did my best while I was there, I didn't care as much about that work as my home work.  Monday was not my favorite day of the week.

My husband John and his cousin Adam have both been self employed for many years.  They have sort of become each other's co-workers as they have chatted throughout the day, talked about business ideas and even in the literal sense as they have hired each other at times to work on projects.  One of the observations they have made is that when you are self employed, "Everyday is Thursday".

I thought about it a lot when I was at home.  The idea being that when you are self employed you work every day.  It is always almost the weekend but you never quite get there.  I understood this concept when I was a homemaker because I did the same thing virtually every day regardless of what day of the week it was.  Yet I don't know that I fully appreciated it the way I am beginning to realize I might now that I am self employed in a sense as well.

I have friends in retail who refer to their weekend as whatever 2 days they have off regardless of what day of the week it is.  And I have a self employed friend who refers to her weekend as the 2 days she has a lighter schedule.  Another interesting approach.

This week has been my first few days of working from home/self employment. (so far still exciting and enjoying it)  This morning is day 3 and I am quickly pounding out this thought before I get to work.  I am actually going into the business for a couple hours today so this is feeling like a regular work day in some ways.  Anyway, I was thinking yesterday that everyday has felt like Friday.  Like a Friday I got off work early.  It helps that we have had perfect, gorgeous weather.  It adds to the sense that I must be on vacation right now.  It also helps that I am working less hours this week than I anticipate working once I am fully trained in.

I don't know if long term I will feel like everyday is Friday or Thursday or if I will come to love Monday's again or if I will have some whole new perspective on what day of the week it is.  I have a long road ahead of me before I find my true routine of this new life and am able to fully define it.  But I love the idea that I can create a life and work environment that works for me and for my family and I don't need to live within the Monday - Friday 8-5 boundaries of working.  Excited about my new life and the path I am on as I begin to build a career.

In the mean time I am enjoying my week of Fridays.

"This is the day the Lord has Mde; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Ps 118:24

What I did on my day of unemployment, the reveal

Drum roll please...After working tirelessly all day Friday and Saturday morning I am pleased to present the after pictures.

As you can see a great improvement over the before pictures.  The main problem with this desk is that it is really just a desk top.  No drawers, no storage.  So I picked up a desktop drawer for little stuff and I emptied the top drawer of my rolling craft thing for bigger stuff.  Plus my to-do piles were starting to take over my desk so I picked up a paper sorter to keep it organized.  I haven't put labels on it yet but I did buy the refill for my label maker so I am ready for that next step!  I am a little bit of a nerdy organizer.

It is likely just a temporary after look as I am sure I will make more changes as I learn my new job and identify what other needs I have.  But for now I am pretty happy with it.

Isabelle has already moved into her space and spent a couple hours working on writing notes to her cousins and putting pictures in a scrapbook last night.  Her craft area is still a disaster but that is a future summer project.

And I have a whole empty wall and floor space.  I dream of someday putting a sleeper sofa here and making it a possible guest room but I have a long way to go before I will be ready for that makeover.

Once the office was done it was on to the backyard!  Next Sunday is the party and so this is the weekend to finish up the yard work so we can move to food and decorations this next week.  I was outside most of the day.  No before pictures but just imagine clutter, mowable weeks growing out of the cracks and lots and lots of dead leaves and dirt and then you are getting close to the picture.

Isabelle put on her bathing suit sometime around mid-morning and didn't take it off til bed time.  A definite sign of summer.

Feeling like this has been a very, very productive weekend.  Also, John managed to complete his repair to the weed whip without any further accidents and the edges of our lawn have never looked so good.  I just need to deep clean the rest of the house, there is a ring growing in my toilet, and I am good to go for launching into my new job and being prepared for the party next weekend.

My day of unemployment

I have been a distracted reader this past year. I did manage to finish reading "Walden or Life in the Woods" by Thoreau last fall but I am not sure I have completed a single book since before Christmas.  Although I have started a few.  So before I start any more these are the ones I am going to focus on.  I am half way through Professional Blogging for Dummies.  I have decided to just finish it.  I was trying to absorb every word so I wouldn't have to go back but since I own it why not start with the overview and then return as I work.  "Selling 101" by Zig Ziglar is the sort of quick read I should be able to finish in one sitting.  I just need to give myself permission to sit and read it.  I am going through "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl" by Lisa TerKeust with a friend.  So far I am loving it.  I had heard great things about "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge and found myself getting sucked into it while hanging out in our church library a few weeks ago.  Now I need to just finish that too.  I haven't actually started "Getting Started with WordPress" or "Mom, Inc" but am looking forward to taking the same approach with them as Professional Blogging.  Start with an overview and return for the meat.  Of course the Bible, never done reading that.  Overview and meat, I can never get enough.

The  big thing is to give myself permission to sit down and read them.  I need to see reading these books, not just the business ones but all of them, as part of my job.  I can't have success without education and learning.  I need to learn to put this whole work/home/business thing together and looking forward to reading about the experiences of those who have gone before me.

I always love book recommendations.  I have a few ideas for my next group of books but feel free to leave a comment with your favorite book as well.  

I spent most of my day preparing my office for my future work from home base.  It really needed help.  I had recently moved from the small desk to the larger one.  Jake had been using the larger one but had abandoned it in the past year or so and I finally decided it was time to move.  And I moved Isabelle's crafts out of her room with the idea of putting her in my old desk and life is busy and you would be amazed how quickly a fairly tidy and organized office can turn into these before pictures which I walked into this morning.

I have made HUGE strides in purging, cleaning and organizing this room but I want to work on it a little more this weekend before revealing the after.

I would have had more time to work on the room today but had to make a slight detour as John accidentally sprayed himself in the eye with carburetor cleaner.  Day one of our new insurance I am at an eye clinic on the phone with our insurance agent trying to get any information I can to pass on to the clinic as our new insurance cards haven't even arrive yet!  Luckily John didn't do any permanent damage and after an evening of constant eye drops should be fine in the morning.  It already is looking normal again.

This morning as I stood feeling a little overwhelmed by my office space and unsure how to begin I realized I needed to back out of the room and go sit with God and pray.  It always helps me focus my time and direct my steps.  As we sat waiting in the little room for the doctor to look at John's eye I found myself thinking and then saying, "I don't know why but I just know this is what God had planned for our day."  I knew this because I gave my day to Him in the morning and He has never failed me.  I still don't know why and I could give you a list of reasons why it was not a good thing but, I feel at peace.

I have to admit that in the back of my mind I was worried that I might feel lost once I came back home to work but today I found myself feeling more myself than I have in months.  There are lots of transitions still to come in the next few weeks and months and I may still yet find myself wishing for the simple consistency of my old job but for today I am excited to begin rediscovering myself, my family and the life I love.

John is heading out to go buy ice cream and make malts.  A perfect way to end a day of unemployment.  I think I will grab a book and curl up while I wait for him.

Working Mom 2.0

One year.  It has been one years since I said to my brother, "any openings at your company?"  One year since we decided to send John back to school.  One year since our lives were forever changed.

It has been a good year.  And a bad year.

There have been a lot of things that have not worked this past year.  Me being out of the house nearly 10 hours a day has not worked.  John taking on so much responsibility at home while also being a full time student and working nearly 30 hours a week has not really worked.  Ignoring our children for most of the year has not really worked.

There have been some good things too.  I was able to separate myself from my homemaker life.  I miss it but if I am going to have a career going forward I needed that separation.  John has spent more time with Jake and especially Isabelle than he normally would have otherwise and created a beautiful bond between them.  We have worked together as a family to care for the house and each other.  And most of all, John as a student has worked very well.  Throughout all the struggles of the year I have kept going because my husband was thriving in school.

But I am not one to accept that I must be miserable to accomplish a goal like this.  I believe we can have success in our family life while also putting John through school.  I believe there is a better balance out there than what we have experienced.  And so this winter as everything was feeling so overwhelming we started talking about what our family needed.  Who we are and what will work for us.

We are self employed people, not 8-5 desk sitters.  Our personal lives and our work lives have been fully integrated for so many years we hardly know the difference between them.  I needed a job that allowed me to continue that kind of flexibility in our lives and in the pursuit of our financial support.  By the end of the year John had found a nice balance with his construction work and his school.  But I was getting nowhere starting a business on the side of an 8-5 job.

We decided that when he was done with the semester I would quit my job.  The plan was for me to find something part time so I had some consistent income while I worked on generating self employed income on the side.  John would be able to work extra and had several good sized jobs lined up for the summer so it was the perfect time for me to make a little less money while establishing a business and building up some income.  It was scary but we had the Peace that this was where God was leading us in this second year of our life change and everything would work out perfectly.

I had hoped that my current company would keep me part time and gave them a month notice to consider and come up with something.  Unfortunately it became clear very quickly that it probably wasn't going to work out long term to stay with them part time.  At first I sort of panicked.  I was irritated at how they were handling my request.  Then I was worried about finding another job.  And I sent out a couple resumes to jobs on craig's list and got zero response to them.  Crickets.  The whole time I know I heard God's voice in the back of my head telling me to relax, that He had directed this plan to part time and that He would provide.  I wanted to draw that truth to the front of my head but was too busy riding my roller-coaster emotions to let it happen.  Still, God doesn't need me to be on board waiting patiently to put His plan in action.

A friend of a friend from church, who didn't even know she would be looking for someone when I first quit my job,  found herself panicking last week over loosing her bookkeeper/assistant.  As she was telling 2 of my friends this problem they both told her it wasn't a problem because they should hire me, "Melanie would be perfect".  And, long story short, less than a week later she had hired me to replace her sister as her assistant.  In her confirmation email she echoed my thoughts exactly:


"I am so grateful God has provided (as usual). Isn’t it funny that the stress still gets to me even after He has provided in every single solitary situation??"

On June 4th I start a job I never even considered as a possible option, but God did, He knew where He was leading me all along.  I will be working 20-30 hours a week from home.  FROM HOME.  I will be able to get Isabelle on AND off the bus the last 3 days of school and all of next year and the years to come.  I will be able to set my own schedule and take time to pursue my own things on my own schedule.  I won't have to ask permission to take a little time off to run up to the school for one of Isabelle's class parties, or take a long lunch with a friend and I can run Isabelle to her various activities this summer all without worrying about warming a seat for the required number of hours each day.  The job just needs to be done, I won't be monitored online to make sure I am really working.  They are trusting me to get the work done.  The job sounds to be a lot like what I have been doing in my husband's business for years only on a much larger scale.  I will know more in another week but for now I just can't believe how perfectly God has worked this all out.

So exactly, to the day, one year after returning to work full time I will be leaving my current job.  And the following Monday we start this transition of me returning to work all over but, in a whole new structure.

Although it has been hard and didn't end up working out long term, I am so glad I have had this year working outside our home.  It gave me the opportunity to re-learn what the work force is like, get up to speed on current business practices and augmented my very basic understanding of Excel and Word.  It created a forced discipline that I don't know if I could have developed on my own but which I can take with me into my new job.  It pushed me into a new mind set.  A working mindset rather than a homemaking one. It prepared me for what is next in my life.  It wasn't the right place for me long term but it was exactly what I needed this past year.

So here I sit with 3 working days left before I start my new life amazed at what God is doing.  Can't wait to see what's next!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Action: Stella & Dot

I have had a busy couple weeks around here.  As we go forward trying to figure out our new plan I finally decided I had to DO something.  I can't just sit around waiting for the magical answer to come to me.  Waiting for the day I finally have enough time to launch a little stationary business, spend time getting my blog name out there or even finishing the internet marketing training videos I have been trying to work through.  I still want to do all that stuff but I needed to just get started!  I finally decided that I was going to do a home party business.  It is a ready made business, you just sign-up, get your samples and call your friends.  Everything is done for you.  So I am now a Stella & Dot stylist selling fabulous jewelry.

I was emailing a friend telling her just that, I needed to do something, anything and I was starting this home party business and I don't know if this is the answer, if I will still do other things or if it will just be something to pass the time for a year or so.  She thought it was perfect because as she always tells me, "you are a do-er" and I need to do something.  Then she said this:

"I think resting in the Lord and waiting on the Lord are phrases that have been vastly misinterpreted. I don't think resting in Him and waiting on Him mean do nothing until He knocks you over the head. I think it means resting in who He is in your life and not jumping ahead of Him. I don't think you've jumped ahead of Him at all. In fact, He has shown you that something is amiss and now you are following a prompting to do something to make things right. If this isn't what will make it right, He'll find you at Stella and Dot and He'll prompt you somewhere else."

How true is that?  How often to we sit doing nothing because we haven't been knocked over the head by God?  How often do we use the excuse of "waiting on the Lord" to hide the fact that we are just afraid to take action?  I know it has been true of me. 

This is my year of "Act" after a year of "Release" yet I have been terrified that I would take the wrong action and have been keeping myself quite busy not acting the past couple months.  And all that did was create a lot of stress and frustration in my life.  But now I am taking action in this year in which God has called me to "Act". 

And, if this isn't right, God will find me at Stella & Dot and send me elsewhere.  I loved that part.  God finds us where we are at, in the midst of living life. 

In the mean time I will continue to rest in the Lord, rest in who He is and what He does in my life.  I will walk forward knowing He is by my side, loves and believes in me.  And I will continue to listen, learn and obey Him.  I will spend time in the Word, read devotionals and seek godly wisdom from my wonderful and supportive friends.

So one action leads to another and this past week I also met with a potential client this week about my first freelance writing job!  I got in the car and quoted this same friend again when I told myself all the way home, "I am doing it scared!"  (actually she said she stole it from Joyce Meyer.)  And, since I only have about 5 readers anyway, I will share that I am playing with another blog idea.  I put it over at the "from home to work" blog, which I never really did anything with, but am planning to move it to a word press blog because I have heard that is a good platform and want to try some new things.  Before I do that I am just playing with it a little.  Don't bond with the name or any other aspect of it but feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think about the idea.

Team Hardacker

Has anyone seen the show "My Name is Earl".  Of course you have, it is on in re-runs about 20 times a day.  For those who have lives and don't catch every show ever made: There is a guy named Earl who is going around trying to make up for all the bad things he has done.  He has a brother, Randy, who follows him around helping him make amends.  In one episode he decides Randy needs to get a job and stop being so dependant on him all the time.  So Randy gets a job and Earl finds himself trying to help someone he has wronged in the past.  He just has to pick up some guys mother, buy some donuts and bring them both to visit the guy in prison.  But there are several road blocks to doing that and day after day he cannot get it all done before visiting hours end.  He starts earlier and earlier each day but still can't make it.  Finally Randy has a day off and goes with to help.  They get started at the crack of dawn and race through each task to find themselves sitting at the prison BEFORE visiting hours start.  Turns out that while Earl couldn't do it on his own, with Randy's help it wasn't very hard at all.

Today was a snow day.  Isabelle started school 2 hours late and because John was plowing and Jake ended up helping I stayed home with her and went into work 3 hours late.  Can I just say it was heaven?  Of course, as is our life, nothing goes smoothly.  So the snow all came down around 4am after John had finally given up checking and went to bed for the duration.  He was so tired that when I asked him at 6:30am if he would be home for Isabelle's late start it didn't click with him that it had snowed and he should get up and plow. (And since he came to bed so late I thought he had already been out plowing)  But when I went in to ask him to clear the end of our driveway so i could get out for work it all came together.  Well, sort of...The plow broke while he was clearing our driveway and as he is trying to fix it the phone starts ringing.  John, unable to problem solve a broken plow and a needy client basically tells me to tell her "too bad".  Luckily I have better problem solving skills and get the teenager out of bed and heading in the direction of her house with a shovel in the back of the van to rescue the stuck client.

John was able to get the plow fixed and while this has been a very full day he was able to get everything done. 

As the day comes to an end I am thinking about that episode of "My Name is Earl".  Lately our life has been like that.  I am working and John is working but I can't help him and he can't help me and it just seems like separately neither of us are really getting anything done or going anywhere.  We are a team.  We need each other.  His success is due in part to my involvement in his business and personal life.  And I can't get anything started without his support and encouragement. When we are both focused on surviving our own thing we end up going nowhere.  Today reminded me of that.  Being able to help him problem solve in a crisis, switching the laundry he started the night before and cleaning up the kitchen before leaving for work so it was clean when he started diner this evening.  Life is smoother when we work together.

Over the past several weeks it has become clear that our current working arrangement is not working for our family.  I have been talking about starting my own business for a while thinking i would work full time until I got it started but it has become clear that I don't have the time or energy to start a business and keep my priorities in order while working full time.  And our family is suffering.  So we are looking at and praying about other options.  We continue to be fully committed to John staying in school full time but believe there are other options worth exploring.  Options that give me more flexibility so that we can work together to accomplish our goals rather that being torn apart and going nowhere.

I don't know what will happen next or when but a plan is formulating and I am excited to once again feel like we are a team.

As we recently learned Thomas Edison might say, this has not been a failure, we have simply discoverd one of the ways that supporting John while in school does not work.

Finding my way

During a recent lunch break I did something I haven't done in a while.  I read a magazine and enjoyed it. 

I love magazines.  I love the visual of the pictures.  I love the short informative articles.  I love all the how to articles and the list articles and the essays.  Even the blatant advertisement articles.  Love magazines.  Last January I subscribed to 3 magazines thinking I would enjoy reading each issue sitting in my living room while my daughter was at school or I was laying at the pool this summer.  Then it happened, work.  Magazines came and I didn't even have the energy to peak under the cover. I tossed issues of magazines having only glanced through them. (yes I toss old issues of magazines)  And when I would sit down to relax with my magazines I wasn't finding it enjoyable at all.  I subscribe to homemaker/mom magazines and I was feeling very distanced from that life.  Reading the magazines only widened that gap, reminded me of what I had lost.  It is really a low point when work steals the joy from one of your favorite activities.

But then it happened, I read a magazine and didn't spend the whole time thinking about how I didn't have time to be a homemaker anymore.  I dreamed of making the meals I was reading about, trying new recipes and caring for my family.  And my dream was within the structure of this life I now live rather than only being able to visualize caring for my home and family full time.  I thought about grocery shopping in the evenings, planning menus, cooking ahead.  My husband has taken on most of the dinner prep lately and I greatly enjoy coming home to dinner cooking but I know he would love it if I would just tell him what to make each night and have the food waiting in the fridge.

I also have started thinking about decorating again.  An old lamp in the living room went out recently.  Somehow the need for a new lamp turned into spending an entire weekend rearranging the furniture and creating a re-decoration plan that should keep me and any extra money that comes my way entertained well into the spring.  I find myself ripping out living room pictures and contemplating paint colors as if I am still a part of this home and I care about my surroundings.

It is like I am still my regular self.  I didn't get lost.  I may have changed course a little.  My identity may have been shaken a bit this past year but I am still standing firm, new location, same Melanie.  My passions are still there and were just waiting to welcome me back with open arms.

My bathroom is still holding its arms out waiting.  One of these days maybe I will get excited about cleaning it again too.  It could happen.

Getting Ready

Less than a week from today I will be basking in the Florida sunshine.  I can't believe it! 

As we have saved all our Christmas money, birthday money and side jobs who paid cash money over the past couple months to cover our incidental expenses while we are gone, I am in awe of what a gift this trip is.  I truly can't imagine how we would ever take this trip if I hadn't won it from Family Circle Magazine.  We love to travel but have never had the discipline to actually save significant money for vacations.  As a result we do weekend camping trips or stay at friends cabins.  We have only taken a full week vacation twice since Jake was in Kindergarten.  One was a trip to California and Disneyland, the other was our Kenya trip a couple years ago.  So spending 8 days in Florida in the middle of winter is a pretty big deal for us.

As with everything we do these days, my working changes the way we prepare for a trip.  Normally I would wait until Thursday or Friday to pull out suitcases and would spend an entire day preparing the family for the trip, pulling out our more summery clothes,doing laundry, shopping for supplies and, of course, cleaning the house because I hate leaving a dirty house and hate more coming home to a dirty house. 

Instead, I will spend much of today, Sunday a week before the trip, pulling out suitcases and pulling down the summer clothes from Isabelle's closet.  I will be trusting Jake and John to help with the house cleaning this week because we all know, "if mama ain't happy, nobody happy".  And throughout the week the suitcases will sit open in our bedrooms as we slowly fill them up one day at a time.

Just one more thing we are learning to do different now that I am working.  But nearly 8 months into my working full time I am really seeing the family begin to work together and get things done.  It is hard at times to let go of control and share responsibilities but each time I do I am blessed.  So I am confident when we get on the airplane next Saturday we will be fully ready for the adventure that awaits us.

What a way to make a living

For the record, I don't remember anyone ever treating me like they thought I was stupid just because I was a stay at home mom.  I suppose there could have been an occasional comment but I don't remember them.  For the most part all the interactions I had before I started working were with people who thought I was intelligent and competent.

Then I got a job as a receptionist.  I realize you do not need to be a rocket scientist to do this job.  It is pretty basic, answer the phone, ask who is calling, intercom over to the person they are calling to find out if they want the call and then transfer or ask the person to leave a message.  Pretty basic stuff.  Of course I have other work and it is a little more complicated than that but really, my job is not hard and not particularly challenging.

But that does not mean I am stupid.

Yesterday when I asked a caller what it was regarding the woman on the other side told me her boss was an alumni of the same college as the man she wanted to talk to.  I acknowledged that and asked again what the call was regarding.  She then asked me if I knew what the word alumni meant.  Now she had already told me it was not a solicitation call, which frankly is what I think the word alumni means, so I was just trying to get clarification on why she was calling someone who did not want to talk to her because he had no idea who she, or her boss, were.  And since she didn't want to leave a message but instead wanted to know when to call back, at which point he still wouldn't take the call, I was now forced to assess what she wanted.  And apparently her strategy for getting me to put her through was to insult me by assuming I do not know what the word alumni means.

Really?

For the record, I also hate it when I am referred to as "the girl".  I am not opposed to all forms of the word "girl", I don't mind being referred to as "girlfriend" by my friends and I will often tell John I am getting together with "the girls" when I go out with friends.  I am talking here about phrases like, "let me give my name badge back to the girl" or when another woman is sitting at my desk and the owner walks by and says, "look at you girls working away."   

In my mind I want to have a sharp retort for all these comments.  I want to ask the woman on the phone if she knows what the word "regarding" means.  And when someone refers to me as the girl I want to tell them that my girl is at school, in 1st grade.

But then I try to remember.  This job isn't about me.  And my job is not to convince people I am smart.

Humility, that is what I am learning.  I am learning to be humble enough to do the job at the bottom of the totem pole without thinking it is below me.  To realize it is not about me, to remember that this job does not define me.  I am defined by who I am not what I do.  And who I am is a child of God, a follower of Christ.  And right now this is what He wants me to do.  And so I am obeying Him.

Proverbs 11:2 "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."

Do I have ADHD or am I just Bored?

I have never lived in anyone else's brain so I can only speak for myself but I get bored easily.

Recently I sat in my desk where I must sit all day long regardless of whether I have anything to do or whether the work I have is of any challenge to me or not and I thought about my son.

Back when Jake was in elementary school he was a little wild.  And although he was doing very well academically his teachers decided there was something wrong with him.  Had to be ADHD.  I acknowledged that his behavior wasn't always appropriate for the environment but just did not believe ADHD was the problem.  Turns out I was right.  What I discovered was that he was just bored.  Like me he had to sit at his desk all day long and listen to the teacher and do the work regardless of whether or not it was of any challenge to him.

I remember pointing out his extremely high test scores to his 3rd grade teacher hoping to get some understanding of what to do with a child that was so bright.  She literally set the scores aside and said they were nice but...behavior.  I turned out to be right and the behavior was linked to his high test scores and boredom and I pulled him out of the lovely school that could not see beyond his boredom and he grew and flourished in an environment that challenged him.

And now I am sitting at my desk and while I have the maturity not to do anything inappropriate my brain is going in 20 different directions at once and I have to keep from distracting everyone around me who is actually working.  And honestly, I have never  had a job where this wasn't a problem.

So I am understanding my 8 year old son even more than I did when he was 8 years old.  And I hope I can find a solution for myself that is as wonderful as the solution I found for him.

(Do you like how I have subtly implied that I am brilliant in this post?)

The next stage; the unnamed stage

I have been thinking lately about how going back to work is a lot like having a new baby.  It takes up all your time and energy yet in your mind you think you should be doing all this other stuff and so are frustrated.  You feel like you will never accomplish anything ever again.  You look at other moms accomplishing things and are positive you are doing something wrong.  But then one day the baby sleeps 5 hours in a row and you can't believe how fresh you feel and how clearly your mind is working.  And then it does it again and pretty soon it does it all the time and slowly, one day at a time, one task at a time you begin to pull yourself together and find your way through this thing called motherhood.

I have decided these past 6 months have sort of been my newborn baby stage.  I have been amazed and frustrated by how much time and energy this task has taken up both physically and mentally.  Have been forced to release things I really loved because I just could not make them happen anymore.  And I wondered if I would ever be able to go out in the real world again.

But my body is slowing adjusting to the early morning schedule and the work of the day.  And I have learned my job to the point where I don't have to think quite so hard all the time.  I am finding myself with more energy and creative thoughts returning.

And now I enter the next as yet unnamed phase of my work transition; the adding things back in stage (which is not a good name so I welcome suggestions for naming this stage.)

I know I want to work on building an online business; I don't mind my job but I know that this is not a long term solution for me or my family. (I am experimenting with the semi-colon today.  I read about how to use it recently.  Forgive me for over using it in this post.)

I stepped on the scale tonight to discover that I weigh 10 pounds more than I did when I started working 6 months ago.  Not. Good.  So I know I want to/need to re prioritize exercise and healthy eating into my life.

I also know that my life does not work if I don't start with prioritizing God and so I need to make sure I not only don't loose that but find ways to strengthen that relationship as I add things back into my life.

And of course I still want to spend time with my family and find ways to engage regularly with Jake, Isabelle and John.

Plus a million other little things that could easily over take my top priorities if I don't take an intentional approach to adding things to my schedule and life.

I have the day off from work on Friday.  A floating holiday I didn't qualify to use until Dec 1 and will loose on Dec 31 if I don't use it.  I thought about taking it while Isabelle is off school but decided instead to take a planning day; a day to pray, write, get in a little shopping and prepare for this next stage of working. (not sure if I used it correctly in this sentence.)

Of course just like parenting I know that 6 months from now I will be in yet another new stage but also like parenting I will bring with me the skills I have accumulated as I have gone through each stage and will be stronger and more prepared for what is ahead. 

One thing hit me today.  As I have been thinking specifically this past couple weeks about what kind of online business I want to start, how to make money blogging, and etsy ideas, I have been both excited and overwhelmed.  When I do carve out time for it I don't know what to do first!  What I realized is that while my enthusiasm is good it is also filled with a feeling of rushing, a slight panic.  Like I only have 6 months to build a business.  If I lost my job I could probably build a business in 6 months working full time but I am going to build a business on evenings and weekends while also spending time doing many other things.  Yes I will have to say no to some things so I can work on the business but I also know I will need to say no to the business some times to watch my son wrestle, have lunch with my daughter or even just go on a run.

Then I remembered the quote I keep repeating as John walks down this long educational path, "most people over estimate what they can accomplish in a year and underestimate what they can accomplish in 10 years."  I probably can't build a business in 6 months or a year that would equal what I am making right now but if I keep working, one day at a time, one weekend at a time and stay focused on the task I just might be able to accomplish my goal in 2 years or 3 years.  Each day I keep working gets me one step closer to my goal.

And so we begin:  Working, the adding in stage.--Do you see how this is not working as the name of this stage?  The addition stage?  Moving forward stage?  I was releasing so am I now "collecting"?  Maybe I should just not refer to this stage with a name.  I could just call it "part 2".

I would also like to add that I accidentally ordered my $2 Caribou hot drink today without saying "decaf"!  And so it is 11pm and I am still a little buzzed from my 1pm drink.  This is what happens when you have been off caffeine for 15 years!  I seriously want to run around the house yelling ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  But that would probably be wrong.

I should probably just end here.

Go wash your tires

Most days I drive to a park a couple blocks from my work and spend my lunch hour alone relaxing in my car.  I know it sounds a little weird but I am not the only one.  There are always several other cars in the parking lot with people just sitting in them.  Some have the seat reclined taking a nap, some are talking on their cell phones and some are just reading a book.

This fall as I was sitting in my car I saw one guy get out of his, calmly walk back to his trunk, pop it open, pull out a spray bottle and a rag and beging wiping down his tires.  At first I laughed because this action seemed so crazy, why would you clean your tires in a the middle of the park just to drive off and get them dirty again?  Maybe if they were obviously dirty like he had driven through a mud puddle but they looked like every other tire on the road, dusty black.

Then as I sat relaxing in my car watching him I noticed something else, he seemed so relaxed.  And it made me wonder if maintaining his vehicle was a stress reliever for him.  While the car was not new it did look like it was very well maintained.  And I started thinking about friends who would bring knitting or quilting work to gatherings when they were stressed out because it helped them relax.  And I thought about how relaxing I find it to fold laundry or take a run.

So often when I am tired or stressed I think the answer is to lay on the couch and watch tv, do nothing.  I know I am not along in thinking this is the answer to that problem.  But I have to admit I have never felt refreshed after a night layng on the couch watching tv, it tends to suck me deeper into my lazy rather than energize me.

When I am in one of my low energy periods I constantly say in my head, "a body in motion stays in motion".  I don't need to do much but just keep moving and I will feel better, and I always do.

When doing any type of exercise training they have what they call "active recovery".  After I run really hard for my 2-5  minutes I want to stop or at least drop to walking but instead I move to a slower run.  At first my body and mind continue to scream out that I should stop because I can't go on but within another minute or so my body really does begin to recover from the hard run and the nice easy pace becomes exactly that, nice and easy.

One of the things I have learned about myself over the past 6 months is how active I like to be.  I always thought I was lazy at home but now I realize I just had so much more time to be productive that I could get a lot done and still squeeze in some lazy.  But there is a lot to be done in my life right now and not much time to do it.  I am not finding my lazy time to be relaxing or enjoyable at all, it needs to go.  And that is good because I am putting together quite the to do list and am excited and energized to make it happen.

Stop sitting around!  Get up and find something that truly relaxes you.

December is Here!

I think I have said before but it is worth repeating, the low points in my life are the beginning of the up swing.  So I started getting sucked into the black hole last week.  I had been releasing for the past 6 months and I think I just released a little too far.  Into nothingness.  But I don't do lay on the couch doing nothing very well it turns out so one or two nights like that was enough for me to realize it was time to re-assess.

And what better time to re-assess your life and where it is going than in December?!  This is my planning month.  Isn't that what I have told you in the past?  Because I love new years resolutions!  Actually I usually like to plan in August but I was still releasing back then and nothing really came together.  But now, during the busiest month of the year, God has released me from releasing and it is time to start figuring out what my life is going to look like for the next few years.

I have a few ideas but nothing I am ready to share.  Instead let's take a few minutes to reflect on what I have learned so far:

I still love Mondays!  Today is Monday.  And it is a fresh start to life every 7 days.  Even if I am at a J-O-B (what I call paid employment) as opposed to the work I did at home or actually paid work from home.

If I am going to get anything done I need to put boundaries around my time.  When am I going to accomplish tasks?  Spend time with the family?  clean, shop?  Relax?

This is hard but hard is good.  It makes me stronger.

I realized that the plan before us takes vision.  And I found my new favorite quote, "Most people over-estimate what they can accomplish in a year and under-estimate what they can do in 10 years."

It isn't worth rebelling against God.  My last breakdown was a rebellious fit against what I wanted vs what God was doing in my life.  Learning to trust, listen and wait for His timing.

And recently I wrote on my new "home to work" blog about how we never stop transitioning.  While the past 6  months of our life may have held more transition than the average day the fact is that we will forever be transitioning and life is full of changes.  And learning to manage as we go through those transitions is the real trick.

I have also been blessed by encouraging friends and family, kind co-workers, and this great outlet to express myself these past 6 months. 

Now that I am leaving the "release" stage of this life change I am excited by what is ahead of me.  It is going to be a great month of planning.

New Direction

In my mind I always think I am going to plan, prepare and get all the I's dotted and T's crossed before I roll any new thing out.  But lets be honest.  I am totally impulsive and I go flying ahead without fully planning it out.  And while the other way might work well for some people this "learn and adjust as I go" method is what I know.  So here we go again.

I have been thinking a lot about what kind of web site I would like to create, many ideas have come to mind but the one that has stuck is the one most relevant to my life right now.  Transitioning from homemaker to working mom.  After doing a tiny amount of research I can assure you there is next to nothing on the subject out there.  Of course with 6 big months of working full time under my belt I am hardly an expert so I have been dismissing this idea for a couple  months but now that my brain is sort of starting to work again I have decided to tackle the topic.

I started a new blog over at here to discuss all the ups and downs, trials and errors of transitioning from homemaker to working mom and all the details that  need to be re-learned now that I work.  Intro post up, more to come.  Actually I will probably just re-write a few of the posts I have done here to start with while I do a little, teeny, tiny about of planning about what I want to write.

In the mean time I guess this will go back to being my blog for family stuff and any othe random thoughts that come to my brain.  In the past couple weeks I have really started to feel like my old self.  Which is good and bad, suddenly I am talking a lot more at work, which is bad, I don't have a good filter on my mouth sometimes.  But I also feel like I am started to re-engage at home and with friends and family more, which is good.

We have lots going on over here lately so I will try to write up a couple more posts today to publish while I am working this week.  Sorry to leave you hanging on the same post all of last week.

OH and while creating my new blog I discovered a new blog feature, email.  Now you can get my blogs emailed to your home.  How exciting!  I have a couple friends who have told me they will not go online to read my blog but if I emailed it to them they will. (These friends don't do facebook either.  Who are these people???) So I am totally signing them up!

Am I busy?

I am feeling so good about working these days.  I know I just had a rebellious breakdown a little over a week ago but every breakdown seems to be a break through to more contentment and peace about working.  I still think about trying to start a business and I still think the work environment is a weird/unnatural social structure to navigate within but I am feeling better about working, trusting my husband to do some of the things I used to do and just relax in my new role.

This week I was thinking about the word "busy".  I hate this word.  I hate when people give the excuse of "busy" to not do something. I may have blogged about this before because my hate of this word has existed long enough that it may have warranted a post in the past.  However, in my new life I have new thoughts on the word so I am re-visiting the thought.

I must admit that I was seriously considering re-thinking my feelings toward the word busy after I started working.  I thought I was busy when I was at home but now working I was appreciating the word in a whole new light.  NOW I am busy.  Or am I?

Now that I am working I have to "do it all" and since that is impossible I really must be busy.  When I was at home I had all day long to do whatever I wanted and while my days did fill up quickly with parenting and homemaking I had plenty of time to help out with ministries at church, in Jake's class and with John's business, etc.  I kept busy but was I actually busy?

However, I have been releasing so many tasks and emotional distractions from my life now that I practically have nothing to do except work.  So am I really that busy right now?

It really is about a readjustment of priorities.  My family is my priority.  Now that I am working I have to be even more intentional about prioritizing them than when I was at home.  And some days that can look like doing nothing, just spending the evening at home watching tv but being present.  Right now in my "release" stage of life we are all getting used to my being home less and them doing more around the house.  But as this schedule becomes our new normal I am starting to see where I might have a little time for something else in my life.  Not today but definitely in my near future.

So am I really more busy now that I am working?  Well, yes and no.  I don't have nearly as much time in which to accomplish things but that is not to say I have no free time.  I am still have my evenings and weekends almost completely free.

I think people use the excuse of "busy" when what they really mean is "I am not willing to prioritize this into my life".    Busy to me is the word you use when you aren't organized or in control of your schedule and you are overwhelmed by life.  Yes or No is what you say when you understand your priorities, what your schedule looks like and how the requested time commitment will affect that schedule.

So right now I am intentionally in a phase of life where I am saying No.  I am spending my time learning how to fit work into my life while still prioritizing my family and re-defining all our roles in caring for our home and each other.  It is coming together, we are all falling into our new roles and learning to be aware of places we can help.  Some of us are learning this skill better than others (Jake?  Isabelle?  You out there?  Can you give us a hand?) but overall it is coming together nicely.

So as I sit at my desk thinking of the business I would rather be running, the ministry I want to lead or the school field trip I would like to go on I can see the light at the end of this transitional tunnel we are in and know that eventually I will be able to work the word Yes back into my vocabulary.

For now I will continue to say "No" rather than "I'm too busy" because everyone is busy, I am just controlling how I spend my time.

Positive Creativity

This week in psychology John was reading about something I had figured out a few years ago.  Our brains are most creative while doing mundane tasks.  Apparently that connection between the two sides of the brain is able to open up when we are doing something mundane and repetitive and the creativity flows.  I have always said my best ideas have come while I was on a run or in the shower.  You aren't wondering what to do so your brain is free to just wonder.

I have been waiting for this to happen at work.  Since most of what I do is fairly repetitive I am assuming my brain will soon begin to wander as I work.  I am preparing a notebook to keep by my side for the inspirations that come.  I think the creativity is getting close to returning as the idea for this post came to me yesterday.  I emailed myself the thought but I would rather write it down in the future.  And good thing I did note it because although I remembered I had an idea I had no idea what it was.

What is creativity and how does it manifest?  While at home my creativity manifested as ideas for blog posts, women's ministry, home decor, running John's business, passions for healthy living, educational philosophy and raising my kids to become the unique individuals God made them to be.  It also manifested itself in crazy thinking that started fights with my husband, created negative feelings toward friends, made impulsive, inappropriate comments and made me think general doubts about myself , who I am and what I am doing.

What should be something used for good, to help me serve God and live out the life He has planned for me, instead can be used to create misery for myself and others if I allow Satan to get into my head and control my thoughts.

As I was thinking about creativity in the mundane at work this week I looked around the building and realized that every person in the building probably had some mundane aspects to their jobs.  How was the creativity manifesting itself in each person?  It can be great, it can be the kind of thing that brings fresh ideas to a company, new products, better ways to do things, more organization, time and money savings.  John said that the employees at Google are supposed to take a certain amount of time each day to have fun and let the creative juices flow, they can work on any idea they want.  Apparently one of the things that came out of that was g-mail.

Unfortunately, some people use the same creativity to be negative, to complain and look for problems.  When they do have a good idea they use their creative energy to come up with all the reasons nobody else would care and why they are totally unappreciated.  I am amazed by some of the notes and emails I get from people about the basic functions of our office building.  Opportunities to encourage and support fellow co-workers get turned into condescending commands on how we should behave.  It seems like a lack of creativity but really it is more like misplaced creativity.

Not all creativity is good.  We have to make a choice.  Push down the negative voices and ask ourselves how we can be better, move forward, love and encourage others.  Yes there are problems in life, yes some of your co-workers/family members/friends are annoying, no the company/your family/friends won't always appreciate you.  But you are a unique individual created by God for a purpose.  Be positive!  Turn your mind away from the problems.  Don't let Satan rule your thoughts but open your mind to the Lord and let Him fill you with His creative and wonderful ideas.
How are you using your creativity today?

“So you see, imagination needs moodling – long, inefficient, happy idling, dawdling and puttering.” — Brenda Ueland“

The world is but a canvas to the imagination.” — Henry David Thoreau

“We have come to think of art and work as incompatible, or at least independent categories and have for the first time in history created an industry without art.” — Ananda K. Coomaraswamy

Ephesians 2:10 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.” (KJV)

Rebellion

It is amazing how much life happens in 3 years.  And while it is easy to breeze over 3 years, I have been blessed with this blog to document the life I have lived in those 3 years.  3 years ago today I bravely started this blog.  It has been such a great outlet for my thoughts and an opportunity to learn to write and find my voice.  I have had such a passion for it.

I put this anniversary on my calendar so I wouldn't forget it and could plan something fun to do this year.  But that is not what is happening in my life.

I had a hard week this week.  I am frustrated that my work is taking up so much of my primary energy.  I have little left at the end of the day for what I really want to do.  I spent time this week trying to figure out how to get into a job with more creativity.  I realize I am more suited to self-employment as that is what John and I have been for a number of years.  So I imagined how I could start a little online business.  And while these are all good thoughts, they are not where God has me right now.  It is just so much easier to understand that conceptually than it is to sit at my desk and do mindless stuff all day.

When I first started the job I liked the mindless work.  It was sort of like a vacation from the busy, demanding life I had been living.  And it allowed me to step away from the office and fully re-engage in my personal life at the end of the day.  But 5 months later I am struggling with the fact that I am ready for the vacation to be over and yet still don't have the energy at the end of the day to take on anything new and in fact can still some days barely engage in my real life.  I hate that I am wasting my good energy on something so seemingly pointless.

Of course God is always there holding my hand and shows me the answers exactly when I need it.  I am reading the "Jesus Calling" devotional by Sarah Young.  Definitely on Melanie's Must Read list.  Get it if you aren't reading it already.  Friday morning after having a bit of a breakdown on Thursday night I read, "To live in My Presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies.  When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference."  Um how did God know I would be reading this on Friday after a rebellious breakdown?  He really does know everything.

I am totally in rebellion right now.  I wouldn't have used that word but it really is most appropriate.  My working is interfering with my plans and desires for how I think my life should go and how I want to raise my family and live my life.  It is affecting my ability to use my creativity and put my energy into the things I want.  Me, Me, Me, Me.

Then He calls me to the table with, "The ultimate solution to rebellious tendencies is submission to My authority over you.  Intellectually you rejoice in My sovereignty, without which the world would be a terrifying place.  But when My sovereign will encroaches on your little domain of control, you often react with telltale resentment.

Ouch.  The truth hurts.  That is totally what I am doing.  Intellectually I know I can trust God and I know working right now is the right thing and I know this is the job I am supposed to be in.  But I feel like I have totally lost control of my world and I am definitely beginning to resent it.

The devotion ends with, "Remember that all good things--your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time--are gifts from Me.  Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude.  Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand."

Isn't that what I said just a couple days ago?  We are holding Jesus hand and holding our lives with an open palm?  Conceptually that is what we are doing.  But clearly it is easier said than done.  Especially when God takes the things out of your hand that you take the most pride in.

It is like he is trying to teach me something.

Ps 130:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting."

1 Peter 5:6 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."

I am working to alter my thinking from a rebellious spirit to a spirit of gratitude. I am so thankful for the 17 years I have had at home, for my children, for the opportunity to discover this passion for writing, for the ability to be home with Isabelle as many years as I was, for a job full of wonderful people who are examples of what it is to be a working mother, for family and friends who believe in what we are doing and are so supportive. I really am blessed.  They are all gifts from God that I never deserved but he freely gave and is free to take away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

So from the woman I was 3 years ago, home full time with a 3 year old and starting my 14 year old in public school for the first time, to a full time working mom with a 1st grader and a 12th grader a lot has changed.  But one thing remains, I am still seeking to do God's will and be used by Him in whatever capacity he needs me.

Release

I realize this year is technically not over.  This year is supposed to be the year of "maintain".  It was more of a financial directive than anything else which is a good thing since we have made some pretty major changes in our lives this year and I would not say we have "maintained" at all.  With the beginning of school, which is like a new year, I have found a new word directing me, "Release".

At first I just felt like God was telling me to release from outside responsibilities.  I did not sign up for any volunteer roles in Isabelle's class, I have been working on stepping down from women's ministry at our church and have really been getting a lot of practice using the word, "no" in my life.  It was hard to agree to let go of so many things I loved being a part of but as I have done so it has felt good and right and I am trusting God to bring me back to a life full of activity when the time is right.  Breathe and...Release.

And since Jake graduates in the spring I am trying to prepare to "release" him into the world.  I am not going to lie to you, I have fears.  And I want to tell him what to do and I want him to realize how right I am and do it.  I have the benefit of years of experience and hind sight to guide me.  I KNOW what he should do.  Why doesn't he understand this????  OK I am starting to work on this.  I really am.  I am doing significantly better.  Breath in...Release.

But then it seemed like I needed to release a few more things.  Control. (gee ya think?)  The house doesn't have to be as perfectly cleaned as I used to do it, the towels can be folded any number of ways, dinner can consist of recipes I have never made, my children can be dressed and put on the bus by someone other than myself, with a lunch in hand.  I do not need to try to manage these details and many others remotely but can trust others to do what needs to be done and just be glad it is done.  Deep breath...Release.

But now it seems God is going to meddling.  Today I was made aware that I can sort of obsess about a subject.  Today I got emails from 2 different professional people in our lives, the school counselor and our insurance agent, that I found irritating and frankly a bit condescending.  I ended up wasting my entire free hour in the morning before I get ready obsessing about the first email and trying to write a response that was appropriate and not at all what I was thinking since really what I was thinking wasn't particularly appropriate and I needed to let it go.  So after loosing my hour of prayer and relaxation time this morning I was focused on how I should have released.  Then I got the second irritating email during my break and immediately started firing off my response but stopped, deleted and released.  Of course then someone at work irritated me and I spent the last hour at work just chanting "release" in my head while trying not to "release" all over said person. And you know what, I was able to quickly send a perfectly nice response to the email after work without having to spend any time deleting all my inappropriate comments.  And after a little post work walk I realize that while I may have been wronged there was no reason for me to over react the way I did.  So I am glad I kept it to myself.  And maybe next time I can release it a little quicker.  Breathe...Release.

Ok just paused to re-obsess over the work incident so I guess I need to work on releasing a little bit more.  Still I was definitely over reacting.  Breathe...breathe...breathe...I am trying to breathe...Release.

This releasing is all about time for me.   And it isn't just the activities of my life, planning women's ministry events, cleaning the house or making dinner that take time away from what is important in my life but it is the time I waste obsessing over things that don't mater or I can't control.  Releasing myself from anger and pride that can get in my way and distract me from what God has for my life.  Deep breath in....Release.  Ah.

I am realizing that this releasing is not as easy as it sounds.  On my own I definitely couldn't do it, but if I can release all of this to God and trust him to work out the details of my life then I am free to follow Him and his path forward.  Which is all I really want anyway. Breathing and releasing.

God is on my side. He makes Himself responsible for my being. If I will only trust myself to Him with the cordial return of trustful love, then all that He has ever breathed into my heart of human possibility He will realize and bring to perfection.--Charles Gore. 

Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway.--Donald J. Morgan

“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)