Rebellion

It is amazing how much life happens in 3 years.  And while it is easy to breeze over 3 years, I have been blessed with this blog to document the life I have lived in those 3 years.  3 years ago today I bravely started this blog.  It has been such a great outlet for my thoughts and an opportunity to learn to write and find my voice.  I have had such a passion for it.

I put this anniversary on my calendar so I wouldn't forget it and could plan something fun to do this year.  But that is not what is happening in my life.

I had a hard week this week.  I am frustrated that my work is taking up so much of my primary energy.  I have little left at the end of the day for what I really want to do.  I spent time this week trying to figure out how to get into a job with more creativity.  I realize I am more suited to self-employment as that is what John and I have been for a number of years.  So I imagined how I could start a little online business.  And while these are all good thoughts, they are not where God has me right now.  It is just so much easier to understand that conceptually than it is to sit at my desk and do mindless stuff all day.

When I first started the job I liked the mindless work.  It was sort of like a vacation from the busy, demanding life I had been living.  And it allowed me to step away from the office and fully re-engage in my personal life at the end of the day.  But 5 months later I am struggling with the fact that I am ready for the vacation to be over and yet still don't have the energy at the end of the day to take on anything new and in fact can still some days barely engage in my real life.  I hate that I am wasting my good energy on something so seemingly pointless.

Of course God is always there holding my hand and shows me the answers exactly when I need it.  I am reading the "Jesus Calling" devotional by Sarah Young.  Definitely on Melanie's Must Read list.  Get it if you aren't reading it already.  Friday morning after having a bit of a breakdown on Thursday night I read, "To live in My Presence consistently, you must expose and expel your rebellious tendencies.  When something interferes with your plans or desires, you tend to resent the interference."  Um how did God know I would be reading this on Friday after a rebellious breakdown?  He really does know everything.

I am totally in rebellion right now.  I wouldn't have used that word but it really is most appropriate.  My working is interfering with my plans and desires for how I think my life should go and how I want to raise my family and live my life.  It is affecting my ability to use my creativity and put my energy into the things I want.  Me, Me, Me, Me.

Then He calls me to the table with, "The ultimate solution to rebellious tendencies is submission to My authority over you.  Intellectually you rejoice in My sovereignty, without which the world would be a terrifying place.  But when My sovereign will encroaches on your little domain of control, you often react with telltale resentment.

Ouch.  The truth hurts.  That is totally what I am doing.  Intellectually I know I can trust God and I know working right now is the right thing and I know this is the job I am supposed to be in.  But I feel like I have totally lost control of my world and I am definitely beginning to resent it.

The devotion ends with, "Remember that all good things--your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time--are gifts from Me.  Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude.  Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand."

Isn't that what I said just a couple days ago?  We are holding Jesus hand and holding our lives with an open palm?  Conceptually that is what we are doing.  But clearly it is easier said than done.  Especially when God takes the things out of your hand that you take the most pride in.

It is like he is trying to teach me something.

Ps 130:23-24 "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting."

1 Peter 5:6 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time."

I am working to alter my thinking from a rebellious spirit to a spirit of gratitude. I am so thankful for the 17 years I have had at home, for my children, for the opportunity to discover this passion for writing, for the ability to be home with Isabelle as many years as I was, for a job full of wonderful people who are examples of what it is to be a working mother, for family and friends who believe in what we are doing and are so supportive. I really am blessed.  They are all gifts from God that I never deserved but he freely gave and is free to take away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

So from the woman I was 3 years ago, home full time with a 3 year old and starting my 14 year old in public school for the first time, to a full time working mom with a 1st grader and a 12th grader a lot has changed.  But one thing remains, I am still seeking to do God's will and be used by Him in whatever capacity he needs me.