I realize this year is technically not over. This year is supposed to be the year of "maintain". It was more of a financial directive than anything else which is a good thing since we have made some pretty major changes in our lives this year and I would not say we have "maintained" at all. With the beginning of school, which is like a new year, I have found a new word directing me, "Release".
At first I just felt like God was telling me to release from outside responsibilities. I did not sign up for any volunteer roles in Isabelle's class, I have been working on stepping down from women's ministry at our church and have really been getting a lot of practice using the word, "no" in my life. It was hard to agree to let go of so many things I loved being a part of but as I have done so it has felt good and right and I am trusting God to bring me back to a life full of activity when the time is right. Breathe and...Release.
And since Jake graduates in the spring I am trying to prepare to "release" him into the world. I am not going to lie to you, I have fears. And I want to tell him what to do and I want him to realize how right I am and do it. I have the benefit of years of experience and hind sight to guide me. I KNOW what he should do. Why doesn't he understand this???? OK I am starting to work on this. I really am. I am doing significantly better. Breath in...Release.
But then it seemed like I needed to release a few more things. Control. (gee ya think?) The house doesn't have to be as perfectly cleaned as I used to do it, the towels can be folded any number of ways, dinner can consist of recipes I have never made, my children can be dressed and put on the bus by someone other than myself, with a lunch in hand. I do not need to try to manage these details and many others remotely but can trust others to do what needs to be done and just be glad it is done. Deep breath...Release.
But now it seems God is going to meddling. Today I was made aware that I can sort of obsess about a subject. Today I got emails from 2 different professional people in our lives, the school counselor and our insurance agent, that I found irritating and frankly a bit condescending. I ended up wasting my entire free hour in the morning before I get ready obsessing about the first email and trying to write a response that was appropriate and not at all what I was thinking since really what I was thinking wasn't particularly appropriate and I needed to let it go. So after loosing my hour of prayer and relaxation time this morning I was focused on how I should have released. Then I got the second irritating email during my break and immediately started firing off my response but stopped, deleted and released. Of course then someone at work irritated me and I spent the last hour at work just chanting "release" in my head while trying not to "release" all over said person. And you know what, I was able to quickly send a perfectly nice response to the email after work without having to spend any time deleting all my inappropriate comments. And after a little post work walk I realize that while I may have been wronged there was no reason for me to over react the way I did. So I am glad I kept it to myself. And maybe next time I can release it a little quicker. Breathe...Release.
Ok just paused to re-obsess over the work incident so I guess I need to work on releasing a little bit more. Still I was definitely over reacting. Breathe...breathe...breathe...I am trying to breathe...Release.
This releasing is all about time for me. And it isn't just the activities of my life, planning women's ministry events, cleaning the house or making dinner that take time away from what is important in my life but it is the time I waste obsessing over things that don't mater or I can't control. Releasing myself from anger and pride that can get in my way and distract me from what God has for my life. Deep breath in....Release. Ah.
I am realizing that this releasing is not as easy as it sounds. On my own I definitely couldn't do it, but if I can release all of this to God and trust him to work out the details of my life then I am free to follow Him and his path forward. Which is all I really want anyway. Breathing and releasing.
God is on my side. He makes Himself responsible for my being. If I will only trust myself to Him with the cordial return of trustful love, then all that He has ever breathed into my heart of human possibility He will realize and bring to perfection.--Charles Gore.
Every evening I turn my troubles over to God - He's going to be up all night anyway.--Donald J. Morgan
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2)