This morning I couldn't get out of bed. Yesterday I could barely drag myself out of bed. It is dark and cold when my alarm goes off which clearly signals to my body that I need to continue sleeping. Hibernation.
I knew this would happen when I started setting my alarm 6 months ago. It is easy to spring out of bed at 6am when the sun is streaming in through the windows, the house is a comfortable 70 degrees and your whole life is new. It is fun to go on a run just after sunrise but not so much in pitch dark.
Still today it felt like more. It felt like a black hole. I had spent the night before laying on the couch watching tv, then I went to bed before 10pm and I still can't get out of bed. It felt like my life was being sucked into a black hole.
This is what happens when you loose your focus and don't have goals. Nothing. "What is it?" they asked in the Neverending Story. "The Nothing". Do you remember that movie? The nothing was taking over their land. Now it is taking over my life.
OK, ok you know I have goals. I always have goals. But somehow I got off track and forgot what they were, stopped pursuing them.
So this morning when I woke up there was nothing to spring out of bed for. I hadn't planned to go on a run, had no blog post thoughts, hadn't really sat down for an extended time with God in weeks and so it seemed like there was just no reason to get out of bed early. I didn't care if the laundry needed to be caught up, the kitchen cleaned or the check book updated. It would all get done when it had to be done and I just couldn't be excited about it at 6am when I knew my house was cold and covered in clutter I couldn't take care of in an hour.
But finally I got out of bed and started at the beginning. Not the beginning of the laundry pile or dirty dishes but the real beginning. I spent and hour with God. My mind wandered a few times, it does that, but overall I managed to feel a little more hopeful than I did when that alarm went off. Nothing life changing but the peace and hope that comes from the love of God which wraps its arms around me whenever I am feeling a little disconnected.
"Many are the woes of the wicked but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts Him." Ps 32:10