Some experiences shape your life profoundly and years later when it seems like a distant memory no longer relevant for your life you can still turn to it for guidance. Infertility is that for me. No mater how far I get from it or how unrelated my current life circumstances may be I can always go back to that place and the lessons I learned to push me forward to the next thing. I have randomly shared other lessons in this blog which maybe I should go back and organize as today I share another thought.
Infertility lesson of the day:
One of the many hard things about infertility is loosing that sense of control. Being able to feel like you can look into the future and have a sense of where you are going. Suddenly you can't have another child and realize that not only do you not have control of your fertility, you never really did, and you can't control any other aspect of your life either.
I had a vision of how my life would go. I would have a second child and then right away try for the 3rd and maybe even 4th child. I would put all my energy into stearing my heard through life, they would all be wonderful, perfect children who would grow up to be wonderful adults. They would rise up and call me blessed. It was such a beautiful dream.
Today I am thinking about those dreams dreamed that never come to fruition. About letting go of what you thought was and letting God give you new dreams.
Over the years I have actually dreamed a lot of forgotten dreams: When I was little I wanted to own a card shop like my Aunt and Uncle, in high school I dreamed I would grow up and be a powerful business woman. I dreamed I would live in Arizona but then decided I liked the southern accents and would rather be in the south, NOT the frozen tundra. My sister is living out this dream for me. After marrying at 19 I dreamed I would finish my college degree by the time I was 30, I guess I should have taken some classes. And I dreamed I would have 3 or 4 kids piled on top of each other.
Although I still wouldn't mind living a little further south, I do not regret the loss of any of those dreams. Including the pile of kids. I have loved giving up the opportunity for a career in the business world to be home with my children as a powerful mom and helping my husband become a powerful business owner, I have gotten to educate myself over the years on exactly what I want to learn without the annoyance of grades, papers, accountability. And I love raising 2 only children more than I can express. Plus I have quite the pile of neices and nephews to keep me busy.
Actually in some ways I have seen fulfilment of those dreams, just not exactly the way I imagined it. And here comes the lesson...my dreams were fulfilled exactly how God imagined it. None of those past dreams holds any desire for me compared to the joy I have experienced living in God's will instead of my own.
Lately I have spent a fair amount of time with the dream of financial security. I dream of a nice sized emergency savings account, a fully funded HSA and retirement accounts that will get me past my first few months of retirement. Growth and a consistent income from our business. Is that too much to dream? Some days it definitely seems like it.
Then I am reminded of God's control and God's dream for my life.
I read a devotional recently in which the writer was speaking some of my same frustrations. Just as she gets a few dollars in the emergency savings something always comes up. If only they could build it up she would feel safe and relieve stress. But then she was reminded of Gideon. He had the numbers to feel somewhat safe against the army coming to attack but God kept sending soldiers home until there was a decidedly unsafe number left. Then GOD went into battle and prevailed against the attacking army.
If God can keep Israel safe with an underfunded soldier account then he can probably keep me safe with an under funded emergency account. The point being not that we don't need an emergency fund but that God is there caring for us wherever we are in the process and rather than focusing on what we do not have, money or, as in the past, a baby, and living in fear and worry we need to focus on God, his power and provision in our lives and believe that in His time and in His way we will live the perfect dream.