Lately I have been feeling a little purposeless in my existence. I am feeling like I am living a life more of self indulgence than a life of purpose. This is especially true going into summer as I spend alot of time either working out or going to the pool. Yes I manage to squeeze in keeping up with the housework and caring for Isabelle and the rest of the family but on a day to day basis what am I doing?
I don't know exactly what I think I should be doing. I don't believe this stems from my not working. Well mostly not working. Can we really count a job where I work 4 hours a week? However, I do think this stems from that job. I am working at an upper level club where the members have a little more money and the club has a higher level of service and comfort. And when I walk into the club as a member rather than an employee I am spoiled in a way I must admit I really enjoy. I am starting to envision my life as portrayed on television as one of those country club ladies that sits around playing tennis and then sips tea while over looking the courts, chatting with the other ladies about the fancy parties they are attending and the shopping they have done or gossiping about each others plastic surgery. Usually you see them on murder mystery shows because one of them is always killing someone out of greed, jealously or selfish ambition. (hmm maybe the real problem is I watch too much Matlock.)
Of course this isn't my life by any stretch. And while there are certainly days where my actions are more self interested than others, I know I do live a life of purpose. After all these years at home I am completely and totally certain that God's purpose for me revolves around my family and caring for them. So if I am caring for my family while I lay on cushioned lounge chairs sipping a smoothie the cocktail waitress brought right to my chair does that mean I am still fulfilling my purpose?
As we prepare for Africa I must relate everything to the trip. I wonder if my senses on the subject is heightened as I think of the people of Africa who work every day to exist. Who live lives of poverty and would think they had it the jackpot if they could even spend one day in my life. How can I justify my life when there is so much need in the world? Even simply within history, how few generations back do we have to go before we find that summer was not a time of leisure but a time to work. Working the land to grow food and then canning and preparing that food needed to get through the winter. Not to mention the many other daily tasks they had to accomplish. What if they forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer in the morning? There was no microwave to defrost it! Was my great grandmother ever free to spend her mornings checking the computer, driving to the club to drop off her children in the child care and then go for a run around the neighboring lake? Afterward could she pick up a pre made lunch and go home to relax in the backyard with a magazine? (not that I did that on Tuesday but just for instance.)
I don't really know where I am going with all these thoughts. Is there a conclusion to be had? Should I feel guilty about my life? Should we sell everything and live a hard life just for the sake of living a hard life? I don't think I am quite prepared to do that. My guilt isn't THAT bad. I guess it will give me something to think about this summer as I work on my tan. :)
On a lighter note...
Last Friday was Jake's Drama Awards gathering. People dress up in "red carpet" apparel. John and I put on our "fancy" clothes for the event and then didn't get a single picture taken of us. Jake and I went to Savers to find the perfect dramaesqe outfit for him to wear. We hit upon an $8 teal suit which he embellished with his purple shirt and lime green tie. Add a cane borrowed from the prop room and you are ready to rock and roll. I didn't want to be the obnoxious parent going around taking pictures so gave Jake my camera and told him to get pictures. These are the sad results.
Isn't he "special".
With his friends Jon and Melanie. Doesn't she have a great name? :)
Jake's friend Nick.
Jake's friend Aria. I suggested that he should only be wearing one glove. He looked at me and said, "OK" and started taking one off. I asked him if he knew why he should only be wearing one glove and he said no. It was so sad. So I told him because of Michael Jackson. I still don't think he got it. Now I think he is just scared of us.
Jake and Thomas. I told them they should stand together all evening they looked so good together.