Recently I was going through one of my notebooks and reviewing some of what I had written. This particular notebook is the one I had with me during my lunch breaks last year as I was transitioning back to work. It is interesting to re-enter a life that seems like it happened yesterday yet was over a year ago. The first couple pages have notes written before my life totally changed. And as I look at my meal plans, parenting ideas and budget notes (This journal is a life journal not just a journal journal) I think about that person who wrote them. A different person than I am today. It felt like a peak back in time. I remember that woman, the homemaker, but I'm not sure I still know her.
After that begins my writings during those early weeks and months. It brings me back to those moments and those feelings and makes me so grateful for coming through to this other side. And reading them helped me see the passage of time, the road that I have covered during this past year even in places it seems like I have been at a stand still.
One of the more interesting entries dealt with Jake's 17th birthday. I wrote almost the exact same thing I would have written this year except with the sense of his impending adulthood and my worry about whether he would every pull it together. This year that adulthood was upon him but still that worry about whether he would pull it together. I had begun several drafts of what I wanted to be a blog post about what a great kid I had but ended with a prayer admitting to God that I was "struggling to see my son in the clutter of my frustration." I knew he was great I was just having a hard time coming up with anything great to say about him. If I had been home it would have been a very different senior year, very different college search process. Not sure if that is good or bad but I quickly realized in the middle of this very big transition that I would not be able to micromanage his life this past year and, as I did with so many other things, I had to release Jake to God and trust Him to take care of my boy. I am happy to report that a couple weeks into adulthood and post Eagle project we are all starting to like each other again, there is hope!
And it is interesting to watch the process of me releasing control of my life through the book. As you see less and less notes about the details, as my goals throughout the year became shorter and more realistic and as I became more relaxed and comfortable with my new life. Then finally getting the point where I was able to look at my life without the panic of transition and see what was working and what wasn't and prepare to make the job change
There is also lots of notes about business ideas, to do lists, lofty plans. I think I have finally begun narrowing my focus, I am working on a web site and am really excited about it. I have a little bit of capital and am doing something I have never done before with any of my big ideas, I am investing in them. Not just time but money too. It would be nice if i could launch a business for free but honestly, not possible. And I am amazed at how much more motivated and excited I am as I take these steps and really start seeing this thing come together. It isn't just in my head, it is coming out and looking like something! I started a new notebook just for the web site once I figured out what I wanted to do so there are no more notes about businesses in the notebook but this is where it all started.
I still have a few more pages in this book. I don't know what I will fill them with, what will happen next, what lists I will make, feelings I will need to express or ideas I will want to map out. The pages look blank right now but they are really full of possibility, hope and excitement just waiting to be discovered.
This book, and all the notebooks on my shelves, represent my story, the story of my life, my journey. The story I write one day at a time as I live my life. The story God is writing on me as I seek Him and the path He has created for me. Looking back and seeing His hand, seeing the process, seeing the progress helps me get excited as I march forward. I don't know how the story ends quite yet, and I pray this story goes on for many, many more books, but I do know it is going somewhere and it is great.
It is a beautifully woven tapestry yet to be finished.
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