Thursday, September 6, 2012

Some things I am doing

I haven't been thinking much lately.  Honestly.  Sometimes I am just filled with thought after thought.  As much as I share here I have had 10 other thoughts I never get around to sharing.  But lately, nothing.  I don't feel profound at all.

But, I am hopeful I will feel profound again soon and I didn't want any of you to think I had given up on this blog so I thought I would share a little of what I am doing while I wait on inspiration.

  • I am reading through the new testament letters.  They are good.  I don't remember why but I was reading in 1 Corinthians earlier this summer.  And it is short so I read 2 Cor and then it ended and...Now I am in Timothy.  Normally I find lots of inspiration in these books.  I mean come on, they are packed with nugget after nugget of brilliance.  It is good but nothing has really been speaking to me.

  • I finally finished "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl" by Lysa Terkeurst.  It is really good.  I highly recommend it.  If you like my blog you will probably like her.  I feel we are kindred spirits.  Is that wrong to say?  I mean she is a successful author and I am just a wanna be.  Can I compare myself to her?  Well there you are, I did.  I love her honestly about what she is really thinking and the mistakes she makes in her life and yet you can sense the depth of her relationship with the Lord.  I like to share all the ways I am imperfect and I hope that I am growing closer to the Lord each day and developing a depth in my relationship with Him along the way.

My sister has a wonderful ability to share her problems without coming across as needy.  You want to come along side her rather than run from her.  I do not have that gift.  I just like to whine.  However, I think that I am able to share my many mistakes without coming across incompetent.  That seems to be my gift.  Imagine all that we could accomplish if you combined us into one needy and incompetent person.  

  •  I am praying for myself and for other people.  I did have this revelation the other day when I sat down to pray.  I got out my list of people more needy than me but that particular day I was feeling quite needy myself.  But I didn't think I should pray for myself first.  I like to wrap it all up with my brief and minor needs.  That seems more spiritual.  That day God looked at me and said, "stop it!"  "Stop pretending you are all pulled together when I know darn well you aren't.  I can't help you and you can't help others if you don't have your spirit in line."  Because God is bossy like that when he talks to me.  So I am letting myself share my needs first, at least get the big stuff off my chest.  Then let God soak in and bring me peace before I lift up others on my list.  I do try to keep my neediness to a minimum since, as I was saying, I am not the kind of person who shares their neediness in a way that doesn't make you want to run away.  And I do feel more excited about my prayers for others after I get a few thoughts from my own life off my chest.
  • I am working.  Working.  Am I working?  I feel like I am working a lot but not actually doing anything.  It seems like I am losing hours somewhere.  OK that sentence sounds like something a depressed person would say.  I do not believe myself to be depressed.  I have been depressed so I have reference.  I am not depressed.  I am just busy.  And I just can't quite find my organizational groove in this work from home schedule.  I am hopeful that now that Isabelle is back at school and I have 7-1/2 hours of time to manage that I can get into a productivity groove.  I am finding that things like showering and eating are really getting in the way and take up far more time than I would like to dedicate to them.  While my butt probably would benefit from me not eating, I am not sure anyone would benefit from me not showering.  So I am going to have to figure those out.
  • I am wondering.  What is my son doing?  How are his classes going?  Is he making friends?  Is it going well with his roommate?  How does he like ROTC?  Is he working out everyday?  Has he lost any weight yet?  Did he give up the dairy like we counseled him to do? Does he think he is going to be able to pass the fitness test?  Does he like it?  Does he like college?  Is he happy?????  If I never call him will he ever call me?  How long do I have to wait before I can call him and he will be happy to hear from me?  Will that be this weekend? Because I believe that is when I will reach my holding back threshold.  And now I am crying from writing all that.  I think I might miss him more than I have admitted.  It is hard to let go.
So there you have it.  My life.  The creative juices have dried up and I am just going through the motions of life.  But that might just be perfect because this year I am focused on the daily discipline of life.  And even though I don't always FEEL like working, praying, showering, believing, I get up each day and do it anyway.  Because I know this is the path God has me on right now.

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