Thursday, September 20, 2012

Going over the Falls

Last night I had a dream that John and I were in some sort of old VW bus floating down a river toward a water fall.  At first we were freaked out but then we decided there was nothing to do but go over the falls.  I swam down into the water of our bus to find a bottle of vodka for us to take a swig of before we went down.  Which is particularly hilarious because I barely drink and would never take a shot of vodka even if I was about to float off a waterfall.  But that is probably how they would script it for tv or movie and I guess I dream it like I would see it on TV.  Anyway, just as I am taking my drink we sail over the waterfall.

While I believe this dream stems from watching the new episode of Survivor last night, I have been thinking how it feels exactly like our life right now.  Like we are floating toward a waterfall and there is nothing we can do but ride the bus off the edge.  It is a big scary unknown out there in front of us, money is tight, we don't have as much work as we need right now, schedules feel full.

We are at a stage of life and a place in our journey that I believe with all my heart God put us in.  I believe that John is supposed to be in school full time right now, I believe that I was supposed to quit my job last spring to take this part time job working from home, I believe that God is going to help me more than make up that income loss while giving our family the flexibility that makes sense to us.  But that doesn't change the fact that right now it feels more like we missed a step and are about the float over a waterfall and crash on the rocks below.

In my dream we actually go over the falls twice.  The first time my mind goes blank just as we hit the edge.  There is nothing after that moment.  Which I think is so typical of how I tend to handle the difficult things in my life.  I check out.  I walk out of the room when the scary part of a show comes on.  I hate to fail so when it seems I might be about to do so I will change the rules or walk away from the game.  Lately I am wondering if I am doing the right job, if I should have stayed where I was, if John should just get a 4 year degree rather than pursue PA school.  If we should be doing something completely different.  It is feeling hard so I want to run.

I am learning, though, that failure can be a good thing, pushing through the challenges of my life has found me experiencing joy and success I would never had found if I wasn't willing to take the risk and ride over the falls. So the second time we started floating toward the falls I took a deep breath and rode them to the bottom.  The fall into the water actually turned out to be fun.  That moment of terror right before you experience the exhilaration of living.  If you have ever cliff jumped you know what I am talking about.  In my dream falling off that waterfall was like cliff jumping into the St. Croix River.

And so we continue to push forward believing in the path we are on.  Excited about the year of school John has already finished and looking forward to continuing this difficult but worthwhile path.  Trusting that God has brought us here and will take care of us.

After surviving the fall over the waterfall John and I swim to shore and go home to our family.  We are wet and have had just spent the day fighting for our life, we didn't just survive we thrived and we loved it.  So of course I can barely wait to get home and tell everyone about it.  We walk in the door and the first thing Isabelle says, "why didn't you answer your phone?!  We have been texting you all day!"  Apparently while we were off fighting our battles there were battles to be fought at home.  Yep, just like my real life.  Never a dull moment.

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