Standing on the Edge

Random Trivia:  I love the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and have seen it many times.  Each time I see it I feel like I understand a little more the depth of what Tolkien was communicating within each character.

As I stand on the precipice of starting my new job I picture in my mind a scene from the second movie, "The Two Towers" right before the battle at Helm's Deep.  Everyone is standing in position ready for battle and just waiting for the attacking army to come over the hill.  It is actually one of my favorite scenes, you can just feel the tension as they sit and wait to get the battle started.  My actual favorite part of that scene is when it starts to rain and the king looks up without changing expressions and then continues looking out toward the impending army.  No change in expression.  And then he says something like, "so it begins."

I am feeling a little like that right now.  Like I am just standing there staring out at nothing waiting for something to begin.  Waiting for my new job and new life to begin.  Of course the analogy breaks down a little in that I don't think my new job and life are like facing a battle sure to annihilate my kingdom and I don't see any rain coming down (at least not the figurative kind.)  Still there is a level of tension that sits on you while you wait for a major change to come down in your life.  And each day it gets closer the tension grows.

The questions build in your mind.  Will I like the job?  What will the people be like I work with?  Will they like me?  What will they think of me?  What will I think of them?  How will it feel to be out of my house so much?  How will Isabelle do?  Who will make dinner?  What will John do?  Can I still check facebook and my email from work?  Keep in touch with my life?  Will I be able to squeeze in some fun lunch dates with Isabelle when she is with Julia or my mom or will that end up being more disruptive than fun?  And after so many years of defining myself in my home how long will it take me to feel at home in my new roll?

And then there are the "what if" questions:  What if I hate it?  What if they don't like me?  What if Isabelle can't handle the transition?  What if she does better without me?!  What if Jake rebels without my constant supervision?  What if he does better without me?!  What if I loose myself?  What if it is just all a big mistake?

Then again:  What if it is great?  What if we all find the transition easy?  What if I do a wonderful job and enjoy it?  What if my family does great because I have worked to prepare them to be in the world?  What if the kids and John pick up the slack at home while I am gone?

So I stand on the edge waiting to jump into the unknown world of working.

Just thought I would share.