Monday, May 23, 2011

Soothing Fears

On Mother's day after telling my family the plan for John to go back to school in the fall I casually say something to my brother like "hey are there any full time secretary openings at your work?"  It turns out they need a new receptionist so I sent him my resume the next day, Monday, had a phone interview on Tuesday, went in on Thursday, had a second interview on Tuesday and was offered a full time job last Thursday.  Less than 2 weeks after sending my brother my resume I am employed full time!  Talk about moving too fast.  Am I ready for this?  Is my family?  We just decided to send John to school full time 3 weeks ago!

At first I was excited.  I put a little check mark in the "get a full time job" box on the "things to do before John starts school in the fall" list.  I thought about what new clothes I will need and spent some time working up a preliminary plan for Isabelle this summer.  Then as John and I were talking that night it all hit me.  I am going back to work FULL TIME!  I started crying.

I am not afraid to leave my home.  I am not worried about how the laundry will get done or dinner will get made.  I will miss my spontaneous morning coffee times with girlfriends but I will adjust.  I cried for my daughter.  I will not be there for every need she has, to take her places and experience new things.  I will not be the one and only primary care giver in her life.  I will not be the only big influence in her life.  And when we are together we will both be tired.  I will miss that awesome time right after school when Jake was so willing to tell me everything he knew.  Will Isabelle tell me everything she knows before dinner instead or will she be too busy with something else?  Or will I?  Who will influence her?

I was also praying last week about John's future job situation.  Once it became clear I was going to get my work figured out I wanted his work figured out too.  My goal here is not to become the primary provider of our family.  If I am working he should be working.  Right!?  Yet as I was praying about it God really changed my heart.  He showed me how John's more flexible work schedule will allow Isabelle to still be with the family this summer.  To be there for her where I can't be.  John will still have to work and she will still need to be in some summer camps and other activities but she will not be tossed out into the world to fend for herself, she still have us as her home base and will not be alone.

So the big question is, can I trust my husband to take on my role?  I mean, yes I can, but will I?  Will I trust him and embrace this new arrangement in our family or will I fight against it and be frustrated?

One of my girlfriends sent me another quote by John D. Rockefeller, "If you want to succeed you should strike out on new paths, rather than travel the worn paths of accepted success."  That is what we are doing.  We are striking out on a new path.  It is new in every area of our life.  Not just in John's work but in mine as well.  New for Isabelle, new for Jake.

Let's face it, at the core of my anxiety about going back to work and leaving Isabelle is FEAR.  I mean if I am honest I am afraid even when I am at home with Isabelle that I will fail her in some way.  That she will turn from God, that she will make poor choices.  But at least I am at home, in charge and under the delusion that I have some level of influence and control over her at this point. Then I remember God already gave me a scripture for fear in Don's cancer. Isaiah 43:1 "But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."

So I remind myself what I always try to remind myself when I am fearful while raising my children; God loves them more than I do.  And if God is leading us to strike out on a new path, which it seems very clear to us he is, then I have nothing to worry about.  He will provide for my children exactly what they need.  He will provide me with that special after school connection somewhere else.  He will grow and mature Isabelle, call her to Himself and soothe her fears as He is soothing mine.  None of us will be alone.
I am not sure that answers the question of whether or not I trust my husband to take over care of my family but I do trust God and so does John so I guess it will be OK.
I start next week!  I hope I can find a few minutes each week to keep up with my blog as well.  My priorities are family and then blog.  Sometimes I admit I reverse those.  Is that wrong?

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