Thursday, April 29, 2010

Getting what you want

I am trying to clean up files on my computer to make more room.  I really need to delete photos but I started with my word files.  I found a few things I had written to myself before I knew about blogging and thought I would use them for a couple easy posts.

Kids know what they want. And they aren’t afraid to ask for it. This morning I made myself a fruit smoothie, which my 1-1/2 year old daughter loves. As I poured it she came up and immediately started crying for some. I poured her a cup and she sat on the floor to drink it. After I poured myself some I sat on the floor across from her to drink mine. She sat looking at me for a brief moment and then crawled over got up on my lap just where she wanted and then reached for my free hand and put it around her waist. She desired that comfort and wasn’t afraid to come and take it.

How many times have I been sitting looking at my husband and wishing he would come sit by me and put his arm around me but I just don’t want to ask for it. Will it be less enjoyable if I ask? No. Will his desire to comfort me be any less real if I ask for it? No. And yet I don’t ask. Why?

How often have I wanted to participate in a sport, join a club or go with a friend to lunch and yet I missed out on the opportunity because I was afraid to simply ask?

My daughter knows I love her and she isn’t afraid of my rejection. Even though sometimes I push her away if I am trying to do something, still she comes again to try and sit with me. She doesn’t give up. She is secure in the love she has received and cannot be deterred.

I am loved. My husband loves me. I don’t have to be afraid of his rejection. He knows my faults and loves me anyway. I can ask for what I want. But I don’t. My family and friends love me. They have seen me through the good times and the bad as I have seen them through the same. If I need something they would desire me to ask. But I don’t. God loves me. He is my eternal father, he created me, he knows me, he knows my heart, he sees my faults and he loves me. He tells me that anything I ask for in his name he will grant me. But I don’t ask.

Maybe I don’t ask because I don’t really know what I want. Maybe I don’t really know what I want because I don’t really know myself. Maybe I don’t know myself because I don’t really want to. I don’t want to see my faults, I don’t want to admit my failures, I don’t want to face my fears. But if I know myself better I will be able to do more. I will know what God wants me to do. I won’t be afraid to ask for what I want because I will know exactly what I want.

It is interesting to look back on stuff I wrote in the past.  Although I only vaguely remember writing this I definately feel like I have been learning about myself for the past several years.  I think I am better about asking what I want and not being afraid of rejection.  There must really be something to putting your thoughts into words.

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