Getting what you want

I am trying to clean up files on my computer to make more room.  I really need to delete photos but I started with my word files.  I found a few things I had written to myself before I knew about blogging and thought I would use them for a couple easy posts.

Kids know what they want. And they aren’t afraid to ask for it. This morning I made myself a fruit smoothie, which my 1-1/2 year old daughter loves. As I poured it she came up and immediately started crying for some. I poured her a cup and she sat on the floor to drink it. After I poured myself some I sat on the floor across from her to drink mine. She sat looking at me for a brief moment and then crawled over got up on my lap just where she wanted and then reached for my free hand and put it around her waist. She desired that comfort and wasn’t afraid to come and take it.

How many times have I been sitting looking at my husband and wishing he would come sit by me and put his arm around me but I just don’t want to ask for it. Will it be less enjoyable if I ask? No. Will his desire to comfort me be any less real if I ask for it? No. And yet I don’t ask. Why?

How often have I wanted to participate in a sport, join a club or go with a friend to lunch and yet I missed out on the opportunity because I was afraid to simply ask?

My daughter knows I love her and she isn’t afraid of my rejection. Even though sometimes I push her away if I am trying to do something, still she comes again to try and sit with me. She doesn’t give up. She is secure in the love she has received and cannot be deterred.

I am loved. My husband loves me. I don’t have to be afraid of his rejection. He knows my faults and loves me anyway. I can ask for what I want. But I don’t. My family and friends love me. They have seen me through the good times and the bad as I have seen them through the same. If I need something they would desire me to ask. But I don’t. God loves me. He is my eternal father, he created me, he knows me, he knows my heart, he sees my faults and he loves me. He tells me that anything I ask for in his name he will grant me. But I don’t ask.

Maybe I don’t ask because I don’t really know what I want. Maybe I don’t really know what I want because I don’t really know myself. Maybe I don’t know myself because I don’t really want to. I don’t want to see my faults, I don’t want to admit my failures, I don’t want to face my fears. But if I know myself better I will be able to do more. I will know what God wants me to do. I won’t be afraid to ask for what I want because I will know exactly what I want.

It is interesting to look back on stuff I wrote in the past.  Although I only vaguely remember writing this I definately feel like I have been learning about myself for the past several years.  I think I am better about asking what I want and not being afraid of rejection.  There must really be something to putting your thoughts into words.

Painting the Barn

I blogged a while back about my search for balance.  I am still on the search but it is starting to come together.  I was able to see most of the Susie Larson DVD on balance that I mentioned and it was excellent.  I am not going to highlight the whole thing but will say that she started with a list of what balance is NOT.  It is NOT a perfectly put together appearance, a perfectly managed schedule and looks different on everyone.

As I spent time seeking God about my percieved lack of balance I was able to focus in on one particular activity in my life that really seemed to be tipping me over.  I suppose any number of activities could have been the one to go but this is the one that I really felt the least peace about.  Homeschooling.  I really want to do it but as I have continued to sit on it and pray about it I can clearly see this has to go.  It was amazing how easy it was to make the decision once I realized this was the thing pushing me under.  I still haven't gone into the school district to register Isabelle for school but at this point am pretty sure she will be the first child on my side of the family to attend public elementary school.  I feel completely confident that she will do great and am releasing any fears that come up to God.

My favorite thing that Susie Larson said in the balance dvd was in regard to getting ready in the morning.  She said, "paint the barn in the morning and get on with your day."  It was about not obsessing over your looks throughout the day but I think can be applied to so many things.  Making the decision not to homeschool could be something that I obsess about, and definately for the first few weeks after making the decision I did obsess about it, but instead I am going to simply "get on with my day".

Since then I have felt so much more peace about how to balance the rest of my activities.  I know which ones I need to focus on right now and what I need to know I will pick up in the fall when school starts.  I have been able to prioritize.

Here is another thought about balance.  My friend Naomi was giving me a swim lesson a few weeks ago to help me with a Triathlon I am doing in June.  She had me do a dead man's float, face down in the water, to identify the balance point in my body when in the water. (your lungs)  I have been thinking lately about the balance point of my life, God of course.   When we balance ourselves over our lungs we float.  When we balance our lives over God we will also float.  We will be maximizing our strokes when we don't use them for floating but only for moving forward.  When we balance on God we can move forward and grow rather than spinning our wheels trying to do something God can take care of.  

I think my personal application of this thought is in realizing some of the things I am trying to balance aren't my job to balance.  I have a long list of things I want to control and move in the direction I want them to move.  But sometimes you have to trust God.  Yes I need to be involved in my children's lives and help raise and guide them but some of my stress is caused by my desire to over-control the outcome.   I am responsible for women's ministry at my church but that doesn't mean I need to do everything.  There are other women with a heart for women's ministry and I can confidently delegate to them as well.  Being involved in the parts God directs me to and letting Him take care of the other parts.  Trying to do God's job puts the balance point on my shoulders instead of His and creates a life where I am frustrated, overwhelmed and out of control.

Do you get Weary?

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Since one of my friends told me my devotion the other day was outstanding, and my mom said, "Amen" in the comments, I figured I would try another one. 

Sometimes when I read a verse I get stuck on a word.  Today I am stuck on the word "weary".  I am often weary.  The word evokes not just a sense of physical exhaustion but almost more so for me of mental exhaustion as well.  When I am weary life just seems so overwhelming that I want to crawl in bed.  I don't know where to start a  to-do list so long it seems I will never finish.  I have to confront someone on a personal issue.  My family is needing me continually.  I have a problem I cannot solve.  I am weary.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know where to start.  I want to run away from it all.

I get weary.

This scripture tells me that if I "hope in the Lord" I can run and not grow weary.  Yes, that is what I want.  To keep going through the business of my life, running on and on without that weary feeling.  Without getting overwhelmed by the responsibilities of my life, the problems I encounter.  There is the answer, "hope in the Lord."

Oh Gee Thanks...For nothing.

As I have blogged about a couple times already this year I find the phrase "hope in the Lord." to be about as clear as mud.  What does that mean?

The Sunday School answer I have come to believe is that we need to be focused on our relationship with the Lord, spending time in prayer, reading the bible, general quiet time stuff and everything will come together.  And I suppose that is a good short answer but not always fully helpful.

Yes when I spend time with the Lord my burdon can be temporarily released.  But in the end I still have to figure out where Isabelle is going to school in the fall or how to talk with friends that are struggling.  Even if I "give it to God" it is still there.  I still have to deal with it.

I have come to understand that when I put my "hope" in the Lord or "trust" God, another common but useless phrase, it is about changing my perspective, my attitude.  We stop viewing life through the lens of what WE think and what WE need to do. Putting my hope in God means that I start wondering what GOD thinks and watching to see what GOD is going to do.  And that gets me excited.  My to-do list will be just as long and there are still things on the list I don't want to do but when I change my attitude from what I have to do to stepping forward excited to see what God will do I am no longer weary but am full of energy.

Grandma's home!

My parents finally returned from their warm winter in Florida.  OK it wasn't really a warm Florida winter this year but still warmer than it was here in the frozen tundra.  The 3 month adventure came to end end on Monday evening when they drove into the garage of their townhome.  While I was excited for them to leave in January I did wonder what it would be like to not have my mom available for so long.  I was surprised by how easy it was as the business of life took over.  There were a few times I could have used a sitter or would have enjoyed a shopping companion but over all the 3 months went quickly and smoothly on my side and I think on hers as well.  However, Isabelle didn't think the 3 months went by very quickly and I know the other grandchildren here in MN shared her lack of enthusiasm for the extended separation.  By the end I was getting a daily question about grandma's return.  I mistakenly told her earlier than Grandma would be home after Easter.  I was thinking in terms of landmarking not in literal terms but hours after Easter brunch Isabelle was asking to go see Grandma who surely was home now that Easter was over.  It was hard to tell her it would be a couple more weeks.

But now she is back.  She has returned!  Isabelle spent time Tuesday afternoon at Grandma's right after she returned.  The business of my life continued after her return and so I didn't get to see her until Thursday afternoon.  The weather was beautiful and so we went for a walk at a park, had a treat and even did a little shopping at a boutique.

And Isabelle enjoyed every minute of it.

Oh, we missed you too Dad.

Birthparent Questions and Answers

So as a follow up to my Q&A about open adoption I asked Lauren if she wanted to do one from her perspective.  She was excited to participate and you can read her Open Adoption post HERE. 

It is so wonderful to share this experience with Sam and Lauren.

Maybe someday when Isabelle has grown up we can publish a book of our amazing shared adoption experience.

What might have been

I have a big chalk board in my kitchen which I use for various things.  Mostly I like to write quotes or scriptures that speak to me and inspire me.  I recently came across this quote,

"It's never too late to become the person you might have been." 

As I think about becoming a writer and launching into a whole new phase of my life that really resonates.  Although I have to say I never dreamed of being a writer, never had wonderful things writen on my papers in high school and really didn't learn to spell until the invention of spell checker.  I actually still remember I got a D in senior year english.  As I said, I never considered writing as being part of my future. 

I was going to do something in business.  Accounting was the direction I thought I would head.  And after high school I worked in various accounting clerk jobs where I did mediocre at best.  I knew what I was doing but wasn't particularly detail oriented.  Something apparently they expect you to be when working with numbers and money.

After Jake was born I found myself sitting on the couch for several months looking out the window while he nursed.  That time of solitude gave me an opportunity to look back on my little "career" and really consider what I did right and what I did wrong during my working years. It also gave me a chance to really ask myself who I was and what I was meant to do.  It didn't take me long to realize that accounting was definately NOT what I was meant to do.  I had the wrong personality and temperment to ever spend my life creating columns of numbers.  I felt so much relief to be able to free myself from that path but I did wonder what career path might be before me instead.

Well 15 years later I can safely say that wife, mother, homemaker was the career path before me and with a 5 year old still keeping me busy it will continue to be my primary focus for many years to come.  But here comes writing.  Something I am finding myself enjoying so much.  Something I don't feel like I am forcing myself to do but would do even if I was the only one who read what I wrote.  Or my 10 blog readers.  (Only 3 of which are willing to follow me...)  And the good news is that people actually are validating this new direction in my life.

I don't know where it is taking me but I know it is worth pursuing and I know that it is definately not too late to pursue becoming the person I might have been all along if I had understood myself at 19 the way I understand myself at 39.

Rip your heart out

I thought I would share somewhat of a devotional today for a little variety.  I was looking back through my journals and came across this one that seemed worthy of sharing.

Joel 2:13 "Rend your heart and not your garmets..."

I have no idea where I came across this, some random bible reading of Joel, but when I read it I was stuck. You often read about people in the bible rending their garmets in an expression of great emotion.  They tangibly rip their clothing to express how they feel.  I thought about how easy it is to rend your garmets.  To do a physical, measurable action to express your grief, suffering or even your joy or love for the Lord. Compare that to rending your heart, opening ourselves up to God, allowing Him into our heart letting him change us, fix us, hurt us, love us, use us.  It is so much easier to be in control, so much harder to give our hearts to the Lord.  Easy to pray, hard to believe.  Easy to tell people you are trusting God in your circumstances, hard to actually trust him.  Easy to go out and do what is necessary in you daily life, hard to give each task over to the Lord and allow ourselves to be used by him.

So what will you rend today, your heart or your garmet?