Working Mom 2.0

One year.  It has been one years since I said to my brother, "any openings at your company?"  One year since we decided to send John back to school.  One year since our lives were forever changed.

It has been a good year.  And a bad year.

There have been a lot of things that have not worked this past year.  Me being out of the house nearly 10 hours a day has not worked.  John taking on so much responsibility at home while also being a full time student and working nearly 30 hours a week has not really worked.  Ignoring our children for most of the year has not really worked.

There have been some good things too.  I was able to separate myself from my homemaker life.  I miss it but if I am going to have a career going forward I needed that separation.  John has spent more time with Jake and especially Isabelle than he normally would have otherwise and created a beautiful bond between them.  We have worked together as a family to care for the house and each other.  And most of all, John as a student has worked very well.  Throughout all the struggles of the year I have kept going because my husband was thriving in school.

But I am not one to accept that I must be miserable to accomplish a goal like this.  I believe we can have success in our family life while also putting John through school.  I believe there is a better balance out there than what we have experienced.  And so this winter as everything was feeling so overwhelming we started talking about what our family needed.  Who we are and what will work for us.

We are self employed people, not 8-5 desk sitters.  Our personal lives and our work lives have been fully integrated for so many years we hardly know the difference between them.  I needed a job that allowed me to continue that kind of flexibility in our lives and in the pursuit of our financial support.  By the end of the year John had found a nice balance with his construction work and his school.  But I was getting nowhere starting a business on the side of an 8-5 job.

We decided that when he was done with the semester I would quit my job.  The plan was for me to find something part time so I had some consistent income while I worked on generating self employed income on the side.  John would be able to work extra and had several good sized jobs lined up for the summer so it was the perfect time for me to make a little less money while establishing a business and building up some income.  It was scary but we had the Peace that this was where God was leading us in this second year of our life change and everything would work out perfectly.

I had hoped that my current company would keep me part time and gave them a month notice to consider and come up with something.  Unfortunately it became clear very quickly that it probably wasn't going to work out long term to stay with them part time.  At first I sort of panicked.  I was irritated at how they were handling my request.  Then I was worried about finding another job.  And I sent out a couple resumes to jobs on craig's list and got zero response to them.  Crickets.  The whole time I know I heard God's voice in the back of my head telling me to relax, that He had directed this plan to part time and that He would provide.  I wanted to draw that truth to the front of my head but was too busy riding my roller-coaster emotions to let it happen.  Still, God doesn't need me to be on board waiting patiently to put His plan in action.

A friend of a friend from church, who didn't even know she would be looking for someone when I first quit my job,  found herself panicking last week over loosing her bookkeeper/assistant.  As she was telling 2 of my friends this problem they both told her it wasn't a problem because they should hire me, "Melanie would be perfect".  And, long story short, less than a week later she had hired me to replace her sister as her assistant.  In her confirmation email she echoed my thoughts exactly:


"I am so grateful God has provided (as usual). Isn’t it funny that the stress still gets to me even after He has provided in every single solitary situation??"

On June 4th I start a job I never even considered as a possible option, but God did, He knew where He was leading me all along.  I will be working 20-30 hours a week from home.  FROM HOME.  I will be able to get Isabelle on AND off the bus the last 3 days of school and all of next year and the years to come.  I will be able to set my own schedule and take time to pursue my own things on my own schedule.  I won't have to ask permission to take a little time off to run up to the school for one of Isabelle's class parties, or take a long lunch with a friend and I can run Isabelle to her various activities this summer all without worrying about warming a seat for the required number of hours each day.  The job just needs to be done, I won't be monitored online to make sure I am really working.  They are trusting me to get the work done.  The job sounds to be a lot like what I have been doing in my husband's business for years only on a much larger scale.  I will know more in another week but for now I just can't believe how perfectly God has worked this all out.

So exactly, to the day, one year after returning to work full time I will be leaving my current job.  And the following Monday we start this transition of me returning to work all over but, in a whole new structure.

Although it has been hard and didn't end up working out long term, I am so glad I have had this year working outside our home.  It gave me the opportunity to re-learn what the work force is like, get up to speed on current business practices and augmented my very basic understanding of Excel and Word.  It created a forced discipline that I don't know if I could have developed on my own but which I can take with me into my new job.  It pushed me into a new mind set.  A working mindset rather than a homemaking one. It prepared me for what is next in my life.  It wasn't the right place for me long term but it was exactly what I needed this past year.

So here I sit with 3 working days left before I start my new life amazed at what God is doing.  Can't wait to see what's next!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Joy in the Trial

I have to admit that as much as I hate trials in life, I also love them.  Not that I would be disappointed if my life went perfectly from this point on...No, actually I think I would be.  Because while trials are hard they bring about growth.

In the book "Going on a Bear Hunt" the family on the hunt comes across obstacle after obstacle.  Each time they say to themselves, "Can't go over it, can't go under it, I guess we are going to have to go through it."  So it is with life.  I certainly would like to navigate over or under this trial we are going through with Jake.  I would like to skip the years of John's education and the trials of being a working mom it is bringing with it.  But there is nothing to do but just go through it.

James 1:2, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds"

And as we go through we find ourselves learning, growing, conquering.  We do persevere through our trials because we are strong.  We are strong because God made us to be strong.  To endure.

I have told many people, maybe even all of you, that if I could go back and get pregnant when Jake was 2 rather than suffering the pain of infertility I wouldn't.  I would go back and suffer again.  Not just because it has brought Isabelle into our lives but because I know how profoundly that experience has shaped who I am today.  And I cannot imagine becoming this woman, the woman God made me to be and continues to shape, without that experience.

There have been other smaller trials that maybe didn't as significantly influence my life that I might not need but, still, I would keep them all because each one was an opportunity to turn to God and be drawn ever closer into His presence.  Each trial is a pathway to growth and greater joy in our lives.

My son is experiencing a trial right now as we ask him to face the reality of his relationship.  And while I hurt as a mother that he will have to suffer, I rejoice as the Lord works in his life and as we watch him grow and mature.  

Going through a trial somehow feels like the beginning of his grown up years.  Of the stage of my parenting where I don't get to protect and rescue my son but must now simply sit with him, watch, wait, suffer along if necessary, while God does His work and Jake learns his lessons.  I know it will be hard but I am excited for him too.  Just as I have always done, I place Jake in God's hands knowing there is no safer place.

You don't want your eye pecked out do you?

Sometimes parenting is hard.  This past week parenting has been really hard.  Hard because sometimes as parents we have to make our kids miserable.  And we have to let them be mad at us.  Because letting them continue down a path you know is destructive just to keep the peace does not make you a good parent.  Because you know that doing nothing still leads to miserable kids who are mad at you for not stopping them from making a big mistake.  Because it is my job to protect him, even from himself.  Because once you make a bad decision you can never unmake it you can only learn to accept Christ's forgiveness and live with it.

This week we asked Jake to end the 2 year relationship he has had with his girlfriend.  I won't go into detail but I will simply say it has become increasingly clear that this relationship had become very unhealthy for both of them.

It was scary to confront Jake on this issue.  But, while we knew we were taking a big risk and could loose him, we also knew that risk was minimal and we know how it will end.  Because we know our kid.

Many years ago when my brother was not much older than Jake and busy making his own bad choices my parents sat him down and gave him an ultimatum about his life.  They too knew they were risking loosing their son but knew parenting was about making the hard choices.  The next day at work my mom was sharing with a co-worker some of what they had said including some scripture they had read to him.  Her co-worker was horrified telling her it was the worst thing she could do to bring God into it.  My mom responded that he "would have been disappointed if we didn't".  They didn't pull out scripture in a desperate attempt to control someone they had lost control of.  They pulled out scripture the way that had at every turn, for every problem and every success.  They were totally consistent and simply reminded my brother of who he was and who they had raised him to be.  God had been working in him before my parents sat down for their little chat and he chose to honor them and turn his life around.  Today he is a wonderful godly man, husband, father, brother, friend.

Just like my parents, all the years of parenting our son have led to this moment.  A moment in which our relationship is strong enough to endure hardship.  We have sat and listened to him, respected him, encouraged him, helped him make hard choices and celebrated the good ones.  We prayed with him and for him.  And we taught him to pray and seek God.  All of it in hopes that we would never have to give him an ultimatum but also preparing a solid foundation of trust and respect should this day ever come.

It will be a journey for the next few weeks, months, years(?).  While he hasn't agreed to end the relationship he has agreed to a process we have asked him to be part of.  He is not stomping around the house and continues to be part of our family.

And just in case he decided to rebel against us, my mom sent this awesome verse to me:

Proverbs 31: 17 " The eye that mocks a father, that scorns obedience to a mother will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley will be eaten by the vultures." 

What else really needs to be said?

The Wheaton Trip

I just returned from my first and only college trip with my son.  What a great trip!  We did  sign him up to visit Bethel, a local Christian College he got into, but all we did was go to a brief parent q&a and leave.  We did not visit the school with him and even he did not take part in the entire experience.  But this week Jake and I traveled to Wheaton, IL to visit Wheaton College.  I have to admit that secretly in the back of my mind I have wanted Jake to attend Wheaton since he was a little boy.  I didn't know much about the school except that it has a great reputation for pumping out Christian leaders, it was hard to get into, a big deal to attend if you are in the Christian circles and it is expensive.  With those details in my mind I was afraid to really hope, dream, encourage Wheaton too much.  As an impressed teacher told Jake when he found out Jake got into Wheaton, it is the "Christian College Harvard".

Apparently I talked it up enough or it has a good enough reputation on its own that Jake decided to apply.  I didn't even dare consider that he would get in.  But then he did!  We were all so excited.

As proud as Jake is to have gotten in, Wheaton isn't his number one choice.  He was on his way to Northeastern in Boston (His girlfriend is at MIT).  Or so he thought...

He was interested enough that he conviced me it was worth my time and money to drive down and visit Wheaton.  I decided that the opportunity to spend 7 hours down and 7 more back with him in a car was worth the experience even if the school was a bust.  So off we went with low expectations but lots of enthusiasm on Thursday morning.

After a wonderful and blessed drive down where we covered the gammit of topics, we arrived on campus a couple hours before the program and just got a cup of coffee and hung out in the student center.  We walked over at 4pm and while I won't bore you with every detail of the trip I will say that I don't know if I have ever seen God's hand in so many ways in a 2 day period before.  Wonderful people, great connections, every question answered and opportunities we didn't even know we could want presented to us.

Highlights include:

• Talking to the Education department head who used to teach at Jake's high school and had just come to Wheaton from several years at a school in Boston and was planning to visit the church we have a connection to down there on Sunday.  He was able to talk up Northeastern while then telling Jake why Wheaton was better.

• Walking up to the ROTC guy who recognized Jake's name because he had been looking at his file that afternoon. Then talking with a second year cadet who answered all this mother's questions and really sold the Wheaton ROTC experience well.

• Ending the visit with a trip to just meet the wrestling coach hoping there would be any opportunity for a kid with limited wrestling experience but lots of enthusiasm to be part of the program.  Findng out that the program is in a building phase and every kid who comes out gets on the team.  Then talking to a wrestler that is also in ROTC.

Wheaton pretty much hit every point on Jake's list and then some.  The two words I told Jake I felt were what I most liked about the school and Jake agreed are, "Mentoring" and "Community".  The professors don't just teach but every person we met teacher, coach, ROTC all used the word mentor.  They see themselves as more than just information givers but are looking at the student as a whole and helping them be fully prepared for life after college.  And life after college is more than just a career.  The students all were clearly part of a community and were bonded within.

This mama left feeling very satisfied both by the visit and by conversations we had about possible financial aid and ROTC scholarship opportunities still available for Jake.  And my favorite future college student admited that his trip this week to Northeastern has competition he did not anticipate.  He is going to have to take the visit much more seriously.

So now I am home not sure if I am on a high or if I should just move straight into fret and panic over the trip to Boston this week.  I feel as his parent I have every right to share what I think he should do and I assure you he knows it is Wheaton and not Boston.  To be clear, if he chooses Northeastern I will become its biggest fan because my favorite freshman will be attending in the fall.  But I want him at Wheaton and I think God is leading him there.  Unfortunately, I can't make that decision for him.  Jake has to make the choice, hear God's call, live with the decision.

So as I sit here on Saturday afternoon trying to solve a problem that won't be solved today and control a trip I can't control.  I am learning patience.  I am learning trust, of God and my son.  I am reminding myself that I didn't expect God to work as he did in the trip to Wheaton and He was amazing.  So why wouldn't He do the same with the trip to Northeastern?  I am praying for clarity and ease of decision.  I don't know what will happen next but I am assured that whether Jake ends up in Boston or Wheaton God will be there with him.

In the mean time:  Go Wheaton!

Enjoying my personal Garden of Eden

I  have been thinking lately about Adam and Eve.  They lived in the garden of Eden and had their pick of any tree and fruit in the garden except one.  So what did they spend their time thinking and worrying about?  Yep, the one tree.  Not the beautiful Garden of Eden they lived in, not the beauty of their surroundings or the joy of being able to literally walk with God.  They focused on what they did not have.  Satan stepped in and took advantage of the situation.

I can't stop thinking about how this applies to my life.  How often I focus on the one tree I don't have rather than enjoying the fact that I have an entire garden.  We want what we don't have and we don't appreciate what we do have.

Case in point:  As I am writing this Isabelle is complaining to John about the fact that we only dyed our Easter eggs one way and she wishes we could have tried many other ways.  John asked her if she had fun dying our eggs and she said yes.  Then he asked her if she would rather dye eggs every way possible or have fun.

I have read a lot about gratitude lately.  I have mentioned Ann Voskamp's blog and book here before.  She took up a challenge to write down 1,000 things she is thankful for and hasn't stopped.  I saw one book written by John Kralik whose life was changed by writing thank you notes: 365 Thank Yous: How a year of simple Gratitude changed my life.  Neither of their lives are better than the rest of ours but the shift in thinking from problem to gratitude has given them greater joy and peace in the circumstances.

On the days when  I focus on the blessings of my day I tend to feel better and get more done than I do on the days I focus on what I don't like or don't have.  I am at peace, blessed beyond measure.  My life is full of "gifts" as Ann would call them.  The gifts God gives us every day, all day, if we just open our eyes to see them.

So I have decided to come up with a list of 100 things I am thankful for in my job by the end of the month.  My desire to quit my job and be more present in my family life is very much my forbidden tree.  It is the thing that is keeping me from seeing and enjoying the beautiful garden I live in.  So far I am up to 31 things.  The first 25 came quite quickly.  And each day I am trying to see something else I can add to the list.  Like Wednesday when I had a training that went through lunch so they bought us lunch.  Free lunch, how great is that?  I could have seen the forbidden tree, no lunch break, but instead focused on the garden and the blessing.

Take notice of your garden of Eden today and stop worrying about the forbidden tree.  God is taking care of that.

1 Chronicles 16:34

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever"

Isabelle turns 7

Isabelle turned 7 last month.  We did celebrate it but barely.  I wanted to have a party for her friends but I had to let that go a week or so before, I just didn't have the money or energy for such a thing. (yet another complaint! I am so over myself!)  Then my cousin called to ask if I wanted to combine Isabelle's family party with her daughter's party a week later.  At first I wanted to say no because I wanted to have a party for Isabelle.  I do love throwing parties.  But I quickly realized what a blessing this request was and accepted.  And it was a wonderful combined party.  Good times were had by all.

The big day.  We reached a new stage of Jake's life where he actually went and bought her a gift with is own money AND it was a good gift.  A little dragon pillow pet.  Very exciting.

We gave her almost everything on her list as nothing cost more than $10.  Lots of craft and painting supplies.

John made this lovely cake, she requested angel food, for her birthday.  We did decide to invite my brother's family bowling with us for her birthday but I didn't even think to bring the camera.  They wouldn't let us bring homemade food into the bowling alley (if I had bought the cake we could have eaten it there.) So we drove over to the mall and ate it in the nearly deserted food court after bowling.  There was a table full of couples around our parents age and they were all excited to see us there eating cake for Isabelle's birthday.  One of them came over and gave her a dollar and another a quarter for the candy machines.  I bought $1 Dairy Queen ice cream cones for all the kids and it really turned out to be better than eating it at the bowling alley.

The family party.  Here is the birthday princess on her gift opening throne.

Jake wrestling with his little cousin.  Knowing how much Jake loved when older boys would give him attention, it is a joy to see him play with his cousins.

The birthday girls:  Anaka and Isabelle

Oops there is always something you forget.  Nobody bought candles!  Angie found 4 in her cupboard so Anaka got 2 for being 2 and Isabelle graciously agreed to let 2 candles symbolize 7.

Anaka wasn't quite sure how this blowing thing worked so Isabelle gave her a little help.

Happy Birthday to my sweet and wonderful 7 year old girl!  You are a blessing everyday!

Wrestling Letter

I know I did a whole post with pictures of wrestling already so this is just a post with picture of him actually receiving his letter.

It seems like I should have a few more words to go with this post so here goes.  You know how people will sometimes comment in a negative way about parents living vicariously through their children?  I realize in practice that can go wrong and be a bad thing but as I sat with the idea of Jake's letter afterward I felt a little like I was living vicariously  through my son.  Like all the things I wished I had done in high school but didn't know how to or didn't have the confidence to, he is doing.  I love watching my son do things I never would have done and seeing what it is like from this side of the high school experience.

I suppose there are people out there who felt like high school was great, they did it all right and they want their children to have the exact same experience they had.  Good for them.  For the rest of us I think we want to see our children do more, experience more, be more.  I didn't just want Jake to get better grades than me, be more athletic than me, achieve more, getting into better colleges, have a better social life.  I wanted Jake to pursue his passions, believe he could do anything he wanted and not be afraid to reach for them, to just enjoy himself in that uninhibited way you can enjoy yourself as a child before the responsibilities of adulthood come along.  If while pursuing his passions opportunities to achieve came along I wanted him to learn to reach for the top and not settle for good enough.

What has been fun about helping Jake reach higher and achieve is that it has taught me a lot about myself.  I see in him the same excuses and weaknesses I see in myself.  As I have pushed him I have learned to push myself.  And as I have seen him believe and achieve I am learning to believe in myself and believe I can achieve success in my endeavors.

So yes, I am living vicariously through my son and I could not be prouder of both of us.