Infertility sucks. God has a plan.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Prov 19:18

I  have been thinking lately about our years of infertility.  A couple we know is struggling to get pregnant.  Whenever I hear of someone I know, or even someone I don't know, going through that same struggle we experienced for so many years my heart breaks.  I remember the pain and sorrow.  The constant monthly grieving.  The confusion and hopelessness.  It was not good.

You put on a brave, happy face and keep going through the day to day of your life because you realize you can't just give up on life and become one with the couch.  But you aren't sure you are living.  You are really just going through the motions.  Because nothing in life makes sense.  And the overwhelming sense of powerlessness you suddenly realize you have over any aspect of your life is more than you can comprehend.

Other people seem to be able to do whatever they want.  They plan their life, they plan when they will have children and it all falls right into line exactly the way they planned.  But you can't get pregnant and that was not in your plan.  And there is no willing it to happen.  There is nothing you can DO.  I mean you can try lots of different things, you can pursue lots of medical options but ultimately there is this realization that life really is not created by man's will but by God's and clearly he is not on your side when it comes to this.  And you can't seem to make Him change his mind.  And you want to hate God for it but really, what does that get you?  You believe, you don't believe, you are mad, you are happy, you still won't get pregnant without Him.

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  This is a good time for a big tantrum.  It feels good but still changes nothing.

It has been 18 years since we last used birth control and 8-1/2 years since God blessed us with Isabelle and finished our family.  So I have had a little time to gain some perspective on this topic.  And one thing I have seen is that the lessons I learned going through infertility have helped me with other challenges in my life and have helped me to understand other people who are struggling not just with infertility but with any challenge that makes you feel powerless and takes away your dreams.

When people are struggling we tend to feel uncomfortable with them.  We are uncomfortable with other people's grief.  So we try to say things to make them feel better, which so often actually makes them feel worse.  (Helpful hint:  If your friends have been trying to get pregnant for 3 or maybe 6 months, suggesting looser underwear and cold showers might be helpful.  If they have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years and are seeing specialists, it is insulting.)

People grieve.  Jesus wept in front of Lazarus' tomb even though he knew he was going to raise him from the dead.  Life is hard and it is OK to experience the emotions of the moment.  We can still grieve and believe that God will give us a child or whatever other desire of our heart is currently unmet.  It is OK to struggle.

We can trust God.  Recently I was thinking about the idea of having the "mind of Christ".  It is a Christian saying that we throw around but, what does it mean?  It sounds godly so when someone says they are having the mind of Christ on something we just nod our heads because it sounds good and spiritual.  I started thinking about what it means and while I don't know what it means to other people, what it means to me is to have an eternal perspective.  While I can only know what is going to happen at this very moment, Christ is concerned with eternity.  So while he understands that we want a child RIGHT NOW, he also knows what we need for eternity.  The growth and reliance on Him that infertility will bring, the perfect child that he has waiting for us at the perfect moment.  The plan.  Our story which will be like no one else's story.  And again, not just a truth in infertility but for any area of your life where you are struggling to see God's plan.

Today I can see in our family how God's plan was perfect for us.  We got to have Jake alone for several years of his childhood before Isabelle came along.  A blessing for us all.  Then we got to meet and bring Sam and Lauren into our family along with Isabelle.  We have a daughter we adore and her birth parents and sister as a bonus which we are blessed beyond words by.  At no point ever in my life would I have made this plan, could I have seen what a blessing, joyful and loving experience this would be.  And because of the pain we suffered through infertility we have been able to love others who are struggling and process new trials as they have come our way.  Not that we don't still grieve and struggle but we know we will make it through and we know Christ's plan will be infinitely better than ours.

If you are struggling today I don't want you to read this and hear, "stop struggling", "don't worry be happy".  If you are in the midst of struggling go ahead and grieve.  It SUCKS.  Nothing changes that.  But I hope this gives you hope that eventually, in ways you can't see right now, it will get better.  God will redeem this moment and bring you joy and completion beyond what you could dream.  Keep going.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Heb 11:1

A Friend or Two or Three

One of the selling points of our new place was discovering that a friend of Isabelle's from school also lives in this building.  How fun, I thought, for Izzy to have a friend here.  And what a sweet bonus that across the hall from us lives a 6 and 3 year old.  She will never be bored. Plus she won't be the only loud one. And while it is great, somehow I think I got 3 new kids in this move who are just as goofy as the one I already have.  And she is definitely not the only loud one.

And with all of them running between homes my door seems to be always hanging open.

Add dorm living to the college experience we are having.  Elementary school style.

The Beauty that Surrounds Me

Today as I am sitting at my dining room table/home desk I looked over to see this out my window

And even though I am still enduring hard days, and I still don't like it, I am trying to continue seeing the beauty that surrounds me more than worry about the problems that God is handling.

And so even though in this month of Thanksgiving I am struggling to feel thankful, today for this moment I am thankful for a new home with a beautiful view.

Today my friend Jody over at Even the Sparrow is sharing this message on her facebook page

And even though I want to resist it I am trying to rest in it.

Overflowing Worship

9 years ago John and I decided to join some friends who were starting a new church.  This may sound like a relatively simple thing but we were leaving a baptist mega church we had grown up in and been very involved in to help start an Anglican church.  We knew nothing about Anglicanism, did not like liturgical services and were against infant baptism.  But we loved our friends, loved the Lord and were convinced that this church they were starting was filled with the Holy Spirit.  The goal was to merge the evangelical movement with the historical structure of the Anglican church.  We were enthusiastic but guarded.

10 years later the 10 people we joined have turned into 300 people and we have planted a second which has over 100 people.  10 years ago we were part of a rogue little group of churches around the country that wanted to reclaim the Anglican church in this country as they watched the Episcopal church turn away from its roots and the biblical foundation upon which it was founded.  I spent 6 years on the Vestry of the church as we watched our little group join with other little groups around the country to form the Anglican Church of North America.  The Anglican church is a worldwide mission.  We worship on Sunday mornings with churches around the world, praising God, reading the same scriptures and sharing the same prayers.  Our group desired to be formally associated with that worldwide mission not just casually.

A couple weekends ago another big step was taken as we formed a Midwest diocese.  Our 2 churches in Minnesota along with a handful of churches in Wisconsin and the Chicago area joined together to encourage each other, offer support and work together to further God's kingdom.  The pastor of the church in Wheaton where Jake attended last year, the church that planted our church 9 years ago, and who happens to be the brother of our church's pastor, Stewart Ruch, was elected our new Bishop.  Isabelle and I drove down for the consecration service along with several other people from our church.

Having grown up as a nice conservative, scandinavian Baptist you can come to a few conclusions about me.  I don't raise my hands in praise during worship songs, I don't dance, I don't get wildly excited in front of other people during worship services.  You would think that joining a liturgical service would offer me plenty of comfort.  More conservative people.  Just add a few intentionally placed standing and sitting, group recitations of prayers and the occasional crossing of yourself.  But in general it shouldn't be too different.

Except it is because that is not the kind of church we wanted to help start.  And that is not the kind of church that draws people to it and there is just nothing biblical about keeping it all stuffed inside.  When you are excited about the Lord, excited to worship Him, filled with the joy that comes form knowing Him, you just can't hold it in!  One of the women in our church says we are actually Angli-bapti-costal!

You might think that sitting for 3 hours in a worship service with an 8 year old sounds like a long, slow, painful method of torture.  But when the purpose of the service is to consecrate your new Bishop and when your new Bishop is filled with as much love and joy for the Lord you can't help but be filled with that same joy.  You can't help by be overwhelmed by the presence of the Lord.  And when the Bishop has taken his oath, when your pastor as given a wonderful sermon at his brother's service, when the Arch Bishop has prayed, and when everyone has shared the feast of the Lord in communion, you celebrate.  But not by just standing with your hands at your side and singing.  When you are there in the Lord's presence your worship cannot be contained and it burst forth looking something like this:



If you get this in email you might have to click on the link to watch but it will be worth it.  Unfortunately Isabelle isn't in the video but she was out dancing with the kids and is all ready to teach the kids at our church how it is done during our next celebration service.

Unbroken and Watching

I recently read a book called, "Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand.  It isn't the type of book I would normally ready but some friends wanted to try a book club format for our social gatherings.  I didn't even try to read the first book but thought I would at least put some effort in for the next time so I had a little clue what they were talking about.

The book is the story of Louis Zamperini who was an olympic runner.  After World War 2 broke out he joined the military and worked as a bombardier.  He ended up enduring a series of things that would have broken an ordinary man.  His plane crashed over the Pacific and only he and 2 others survived, one died while they were stranded at sea.  After over 40 days with few provisions and many challenges, they land on a Japanese occupied Island and are immediately captured.  He spends the next few years in a series of abusive POW camps under inhumane conditions.

I do not like to read these kind of books because I do not like to be traumatized.  I get the gist that there were human atrocities that occurred during WW2.  Evil does exist and we need only review that part of human history, among many other parts, to be reminded of that reality.

What is different about this book from others like it is that somehow woven throughout the story of this mans trials is a thread of hope.

After the war, after being rescued and returning home he suffers from nightmares and dulls his pain and fears with alcohol.  He is out of the POW camp but he is not free. Anger, bitterness, fear and an obsession with revenge rule his life.  However, God had another plan for Louie and at an early Billy Graham crusade in Los Angeles he gave his life to the Lord and was truly freed from his prison.  The Lord took his anger and bitterness away.  His obsession with revenge disappeared.  We can't do that on our own, only God can do that.

What you see woven through this book is not a story of suffering but a story of hope.  While his circumstances were unbelievable this is a story of God's presence, protection, provision and pursuit.

We often ask ourselves why God lets us suffer like that.  If God really loved Louie why didn't he rescue him?  Why did God let that happen?  But the truth is there is Evil in the world, there is sin in the world.  God has given us a free will and some exercise that will to impart evil on others.  God may not have removed him from his circumstances but he did rescue him.  Throughout the story you see how experiences Louie had before the war gave him survival skills for the very circumstances he would encounter.  Fending off hungry sharks, knowing how far a bullet is lethal under water, even the thieving skills of his youth prepared him for survival in the camps.  You see kind guards come along at just the right moment, secret communications to keep the mind sharp, just enough food, moments of reprieve and life despite deteriorating health.

I have thought a lot about this book and my own life.  Honestly, I don't know if I would have had the will to keep living for so many years under those conditions.  I don't know that I would have been able to maintain hope.  And I am so thankful that God has not asked me to endure that level of suffering although I know around the world there are people who continue to do so.

But I have endured my own trials and watched those close to me endure their own.  And I see the same hope in those trials as I read in Louie's.  As I look back I can see God's presence woven into my story and in other's stories.  Providing what I need when I need it.

When I started my year naming the word "watch" as my word of the year I had no idea how significant or important that would be.  How much I would need to see Him at work and how encouraging it would be.  I thought I would watch him continue to provide for us to stay in our house.  I thought I would watch him do amazing things with my career.  I thought I was only going to watch him do great things in my life this year.

I didn't imagine I would watch him weave a path through painful experiences.  I didn't imagine I would watch him help me leave a second job, start a new very unstable career, watch him help me out of my house, watch him help friends and family through so many difficult and tragic events.

Yet through it all He was there.  And He did work, I have seen him everywhere.  And while it has been hard and not exactly what I would have written if I was writing my own story, I have never ultimately been disappointed in the stories God has written for me so far and I know this one is going to turn out great too.

The process of Re-invention

My friend Dave has this great facebook page called "Blaze Your Own Path" encouraging people in their entrepreneurial pursuits.  He recently shared something about re-inventing yourself.  It was written by some guy named James Altucher on his facebook page.  The worlds longest facebook status.  Too long for me to quote here but I was totally inspired by it.

John and I are re-inventing ourselves right now.  Who we were in the past and who we will be in the future are completely different people.  But re-invention is hard.  There were a couple things that struck me and I will share one today and one another day.

"Reinvention never stops.  Every day you reinvent yourself.  You are always in motion.  But you decide every day:  forward or backward."

Honestly, right now as we downsize our home and John is in school and I am trying to get a career off the ground, I am not really sure if we are going forward or backward.  But I do know we are not standing still.

"You start from scratch.  Every label you claim you have from before is just vanity.  You were a doctor?  You were Ivy league?  You had millions?  You had a family?  Nobody cares.  You lost everything.  You're a zero.  Don't try to say you're anything else."

OK I realize that sounds sort of harsh but actually in the midst of reinventing it was very helpful.  One of the hardest things about where we are at in our life right now is that exact reality.  We are nothing.  I keep wanting to stand on our past successes but they are irrelevant to where we are right now.  And what I am seeing is that until I am willing to start from scratch and learn all over again I am stuck.

I know you want to remind me how all my past experiences enrich my life and give me wisdom and skills that make me more.  We constantly tell ourselves how much better a PA John will be because of his age and life experience than a fresh out of school 20 something.

But when you are climbing a new mountain you have to start at the bottom with everyone else.  There is no jumping from one peak to the next.  You climb down the one you are on and begin climbing the next one. Or sometimes you fall down the one you are on and since you are down there at the bottom anyway... might as well try a different mountain.   We might have more mountain climbing experience but we still have to start at the bottom.  Until you accept that it is hard to get started and reach the top.

Letting go of who I was and where we were has been, and will continue to be, a challenging process for me. I loved our old life, loved who I was in that life.

The thing is, should that define me?  Am I defined by where I live, what I do, who my friends are, how I look or how much money I have?

As I move into a new career, new location, new life I can't hold up my past life and expect it to open doors to my new life.  Just because I helped John run a business or used to manage a rental property doesn't mean I will automatically have success in commercial real estate going forward.  I start at zero.  Start over re-inventing myself.

But who I am is not just about what I do, where I live, who I married, how my children turn out, how much money I have.  At the core none of those things matter.  As I change and re-invent myself during this season of life there is one thing that will never change:  Who I am in Christ.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Cor 5:16-17

Living life in between

As Jake was graduating from high school and deciding where to go off to college I could tell he was viewing college as something of an awkward limbo between high school and adulthood.  Sort of a waiting period before he could begin his real life.  I advised him not to think of it that way but to realize this moment right now is real life.  Don't wait for life to begin.  Live now!  I guess he took us serious because he traded the awkward years of college life for the awkward 6 years of army life which may well be followed by more awkward college life.  And in the midst of all that awkward in between he is living life, getting married, experiencing the world.  I might even get that grandchild I am hoping to have before I am 50!  No waiting for life to happen in his life.  He is living!

I am reminding myself of that truth today in my own life.  With John in school, downsizing back into a space only slightly larger than we had when we were first married 23 years ago, both of us returning to low paying jobs in order to keep our heads above water, it definitely feels like we are in the awkward limbo of college life before our real life can begin.  Or in our case before we can return to our real life.

But this IS our real life.  At least for today and probably for the next 5 years.  When you go on a long journey you see a lot of different terrain along the way.  On our life journey we are certainly seeing a lot of new scenery right now.  But those changes are what keep the trip interesting.

Sometimes on road trips John and I purposely take the back roads.  Drive through the farm country.  One time on such a trip we came across a sunflower farm.  Yes, acres and acres of blooming sunflowers. Conceptually I guess they have to exist but I had just never thought about what the farm where those bags of sunflower seeds come from might look like. Incredibly beautiful. That farm wasn't our destination just a happy memory on the journey between point A and point B. If we thought of the drive as a limbo between events and rushed down the interstate instead of viewing it as part of the trip, we would have missed it completely.

As hard as life is right now in this weird transition we are in, I am glad we are in it.  Still excited about where we are going and who we are re-inventing ourselves to be. I could choose to think of the next 5 years as some sort of limbo.  Not acknowledge this downsize as a real part of our life.  But real life happens in between. Isabelle will be finishing middle school in 5 years!  I don't want to miss that.  I will have had more working years on this side of homemaking than I had before children.  I can think of so many things that could happen over the next 5 years while we are in limbo and there are so many other things that will happen that I can't even imagine.

We are driving those back roads on our journey toward PA and watching for that field of sunflowers.

Are you rushing down the interstate or enjoying the journey through life?