What's up?

What's up?  How am I doing?  Well I will tell you.  I have pretty much figured out that on a day to day basis things are fine.  Go to work, come home, do light housework and minimal interaction with family, on weekends catch up on housework and family time, lather, rinse, repeat.  It doesn't feel like I am optimizing my life but it has become comfortable.  Doable.

The problem is my life doesn't remain in this simple place where I have nothing to do but work, housework and family.  And the moment something new enters I don't know how to deal with it.

Thus begins my panic about graduation. 

Last night I used my "hostile voice" with Jake while discussing the Eagle project which is now on the calendar for May 19 and 26 and will need to be actually planned.  I told Jake he had 3 years to get his Eagle and now that he has barely 3 months I will only be using my hostile voice to discuss this project until he is done since my nice voice and my patience has clearly not been working.

I have to create a "body", a lifesize representation of Jake for the Edina senior party.  Apparently they are one of the big hits of the party.  One of my neighbors does them for people for a small fee.  I am tempted to hire her but it is the kind of thing I would love to do on my own.  But I just can't even think of where to start.  I did manage to pick up the template from the senior party committee last week but now it is just sitting in the corner tormenting me.

I have to throw a graduation party.  Now if you don't live in the midwest you might think I don't "have" to throw a party but trust me I do have to.  And also I want to.  I have been looking forward to throwing this party for 4 years (OK 17 years).  It isn't the party that stresses me it is the realization that I don't have the time or energy to put into the planning that I had imagined.  I do need to get our yard cleaned up.  I wish we could do like many people and throw ourselves into house projects.  Finally get the house painted and fix the landscaping.  I remember my parents laid sod in the backyard, which had been dirt my entire childhood, before I graduated.  And we watched a neighbor a few years ago re-side her house and re-do all the landscaping in the front yard before her daughter's graduation.  My big plan is to have someone come kill the weeds this spring before the dandelions take over our yard as they usually do.

I have managed to release the idea that I will actually complete Jake's childhood photo albums but in the mean time I would like to do something with the pictures I have all sorted.  Maybe I will just buy some poster paper and create a few posters of my favorites.  Which makes it sound like a funeral...Will keep thinking about that one.

I would say if you need me the next couple months I will be working on one of these things but the truth is I will probably be sitting in a corner rocking back and forth because when I am overwhelmed I prefer to do nothing and prove the imposibility of the task rather than rolling up my sleeves and making it happen.

Until it is almost too late (which it practically is right now) and then I get up and do a sloppy job and just get it done and tell myself it is what it is and I am busy.  If I am honest with myself that is what I do.  Self sabotage is my life.

I hate that after being so involved in Jake's life and education, pushing him, encouraging him, directing him, that I am too overwhelmed by working full time to throw the party I want to throw, create the photo books I want to create and make his "body" myself.  I am actually planning to take a couple days off work to make sure this Eagle project happens but it just might kill us both.

OK just thought I would share what is up.  I march forward.  It is what it is.  This is where I am right now.  I won't be here forever.

Standing in the way

This past week on date night John and I got to talking about our kids.  I started sharing some concerns I had about Isabelle and her emotional health.  No particular problem but I have come to see a pattern of negative emotional behavior in one area that I feel is standing between her and God.  I shared with John that I felt like it was our job to stand in Satan's way on this issue.  I see it as the area he feels he can get a foot hold in her life and keep her from developing an intimate relationship with Christ.  So we stand ready to tell her the truth while praying earnestly for her protection. 

Then by total coincidence we started talking about Jake and immediately we realized we were talking about the issue in his life where Satan is trying to enter.  Again, we stand prepared to block his entrance as we are diligent and pray for Jake's protection.

It is interesting how they are such different children and Satan has identified in each of them the weakness he wants to exploit. 

Keep in mind as I write this that both my kids are good kids.  Jake has a solid faith that I do not fear being shaken as he leave for college next year.  Isabelle's faith is still developing but I am confident will grow as she does.  Neither of them is in a rebelion, I am not afraid of loosing either of them to a secular world.  But I want more for them.

Sometimes it seems like the goal with our kids is to get them to know Christ, say "the prayer", go to church, be "good" and we will see them in heaven.  Check mark.  Done. Good. Next.  But as I have raised my kids I want so much more for their life on this earth than to simply be "good Christians".  What is so good about a good Christian kid anyway?  Some days I feel like that is Satan's biggest foothold in our lives, good lives.  Christ wasn't a "good Christian".  He never did what was expected, he did what he was called to do instead.

He was tempted, oh so tempted, to simply become a good christian.  Live a simple life at the top of the Jewish circles, touring the middle east teaching in various temples and healing people.  He was a Jewish circle rock star with people constantly vying for his attention, a touch or acknowledgement from Jesus!  Can you imagine?  But he wasn't here for that.  God did not call him to be a good Rabbi, didn't call him to live a safe life.  He called him to so much more.

In the desert Christ was tempted by Satan.  He thought he saw an entrance and he tried to push his way in.  He thought Christ wanted that good, safe life.  Satan tempted him to use his power to turn stones into bread for food after fasting 40 days rather than trusting God for his nourishment.  Satan tempted Jesus to test God, to risk his life in hopes that God would save him.  And finally he offered the entire kingdom to Jesus if he would only bow down to Satan, to turn from the path God had him on.  Oh how often do I fail in each of these temptations trying to use my own power to do what God wants to do for me, testing Him and bowing to Satan as I pursue my own desires rather than the plans God has for my life.  But Christ did not fail.  He saw through Satan's deceptive temptations, knew he was trying to keep him from accomplishing his purpose and sent him away.

Christ also saw that sometime the people around us can be used by Satan.  One of my favorite lines from the bible is when Peter rebukes him (can you imagine rebuking Jesus?) and tells him he shouldn't say he is going to suffer and die.  "Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan!  You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."  (Matt 16:22)  (Actually I once said that to my sister although I forget why now.)

Someday my children will be ready to send Satan away on their own, to see Satan coming and to say, "get behind me Satan!" when well meaning friends and family try to stop them from doing the work God has for them.  Until then I will be standing in the gap.  Quietly praying at times and wildly waving my arms, shouting and pointing Satan out at other times but always desiring to see them seek God with all their hearts, know Him and His plan for their lives and not be afraid to send Satan away and Follow Christ's example.

Action: Stella & Dot

I have had a busy couple weeks around here.  As we go forward trying to figure out our new plan I finally decided I had to DO something.  I can't just sit around waiting for the magical answer to come to me.  Waiting for the day I finally have enough time to launch a little stationary business, spend time getting my blog name out there or even finishing the internet marketing training videos I have been trying to work through.  I still want to do all that stuff but I needed to just get started!  I finally decided that I was going to do a home party business.  It is a ready made business, you just sign-up, get your samples and call your friends.  Everything is done for you.  So I am now a Stella & Dot stylist selling fabulous jewelry.

I was emailing a friend telling her just that, I needed to do something, anything and I was starting this home party business and I don't know if this is the answer, if I will still do other things or if it will just be something to pass the time for a year or so.  She thought it was perfect because as she always tells me, "you are a do-er" and I need to do something.  Then she said this:

"I think resting in the Lord and waiting on the Lord are phrases that have been vastly misinterpreted. I don't think resting in Him and waiting on Him mean do nothing until He knocks you over the head. I think it means resting in who He is in your life and not jumping ahead of Him. I don't think you've jumped ahead of Him at all. In fact, He has shown you that something is amiss and now you are following a prompting to do something to make things right. If this isn't what will make it right, He'll find you at Stella and Dot and He'll prompt you somewhere else."

How true is that?  How often to we sit doing nothing because we haven't been knocked over the head by God?  How often do we use the excuse of "waiting on the Lord" to hide the fact that we are just afraid to take action?  I know it has been true of me. 

This is my year of "Act" after a year of "Release" yet I have been terrified that I would take the wrong action and have been keeping myself quite busy not acting the past couple months.  And all that did was create a lot of stress and frustration in my life.  But now I am taking action in this year in which God has called me to "Act". 

And, if this isn't right, God will find me at Stella & Dot and send me elsewhere.  I loved that part.  God finds us where we are at, in the midst of living life. 

In the mean time I will continue to rest in the Lord, rest in who He is and what He does in my life.  I will walk forward knowing He is by my side, loves and believes in me.  And I will continue to listen, learn and obey Him.  I will spend time in the Word, read devotionals and seek godly wisdom from my wonderful and supportive friends.

So one action leads to another and this past week I also met with a potential client this week about my first freelance writing job!  I got in the car and quoted this same friend again when I told myself all the way home, "I am doing it scared!"  (actually she said she stole it from Joyce Meyer.)  And, since I only have about 5 readers anyway, I will share that I am playing with another blog idea.  I put it over at the "from home to work" blog, which I never really did anything with, but am planning to move it to a word press blog because I have heard that is a good platform and want to try some new things.  Before I do that I am just playing with it a little.  Don't bond with the name or any other aspect of it but feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you think about the idea.

Team Hardacker

Has anyone seen the show "My Name is Earl".  Of course you have, it is on in re-runs about 20 times a day.  For those who have lives and don't catch every show ever made: There is a guy named Earl who is going around trying to make up for all the bad things he has done.  He has a brother, Randy, who follows him around helping him make amends.  In one episode he decides Randy needs to get a job and stop being so dependant on him all the time.  So Randy gets a job and Earl finds himself trying to help someone he has wronged in the past.  He just has to pick up some guys mother, buy some donuts and bring them both to visit the guy in prison.  But there are several road blocks to doing that and day after day he cannot get it all done before visiting hours end.  He starts earlier and earlier each day but still can't make it.  Finally Randy has a day off and goes with to help.  They get started at the crack of dawn and race through each task to find themselves sitting at the prison BEFORE visiting hours start.  Turns out that while Earl couldn't do it on his own, with Randy's help it wasn't very hard at all.

Today was a snow day.  Isabelle started school 2 hours late and because John was plowing and Jake ended up helping I stayed home with her and went into work 3 hours late.  Can I just say it was heaven?  Of course, as is our life, nothing goes smoothly.  So the snow all came down around 4am after John had finally given up checking and went to bed for the duration.  He was so tired that when I asked him at 6:30am if he would be home for Isabelle's late start it didn't click with him that it had snowed and he should get up and plow. (And since he came to bed so late I thought he had already been out plowing)  But when I went in to ask him to clear the end of our driveway so i could get out for work it all came together.  Well, sort of...The plow broke while he was clearing our driveway and as he is trying to fix it the phone starts ringing.  John, unable to problem solve a broken plow and a needy client basically tells me to tell her "too bad".  Luckily I have better problem solving skills and get the teenager out of bed and heading in the direction of her house with a shovel in the back of the van to rescue the stuck client.

John was able to get the plow fixed and while this has been a very full day he was able to get everything done. 

As the day comes to an end I am thinking about that episode of "My Name is Earl".  Lately our life has been like that.  I am working and John is working but I can't help him and he can't help me and it just seems like separately neither of us are really getting anything done or going anywhere.  We are a team.  We need each other.  His success is due in part to my involvement in his business and personal life.  And I can't get anything started without his support and encouragement. When we are both focused on surviving our own thing we end up going nowhere.  Today reminded me of that.  Being able to help him problem solve in a crisis, switching the laundry he started the night before and cleaning up the kitchen before leaving for work so it was clean when he started diner this evening.  Life is smoother when we work together.

Over the past several weeks it has become clear that our current working arrangement is not working for our family.  I have been talking about starting my own business for a while thinking i would work full time until I got it started but it has become clear that I don't have the time or energy to start a business and keep my priorities in order while working full time.  And our family is suffering.  So we are looking at and praying about other options.  We continue to be fully committed to John staying in school full time but believe there are other options worth exploring.  Options that give me more flexibility so that we can work together to accomplish our goals rather that being torn apart and going nowhere.

I don't know what will happen next or when but a plan is formulating and I am excited to once again feel like we are a team.

As we recently learned Thomas Edison might say, this has not been a failure, we have simply discoverd one of the ways that supporting John while in school does not work.

Cleaning Uniform

It is so important to have the proper attire for any task.

And if you look good, you feel good.

I was wrong

This past week was tough.  I was hormonal while a couple of challenging things came up.  On in our home life and one in my work.  It did not go well together.  I spent most of the week feeling angry, stressed and tired.  I wanted to release all the negativity, pass it to God and trust Him with my life.  I tried, I really, really tried.  But I just could not look past the circumstances of my life long enough to see God holding out his hands and place my troubles in them.

Until I finally did.

Sometimes we just like our anger too much to let go.  But eventually my anger wore me out and I was ready to be done.  I was tired of hearing myself complain.  I started 3 posts explaining the injustices that had befallen me but couldn't come to any conclusions beyond being angry and bitter.  And who wants to read about that?

In both incidences I had technically done something wrong.  If we must split hairs I was wrong.  Fine.  There.  Now you know.  BUT...

I could comprehensively explain to you why my wrong behavior is totally justified and why the people who turned me in are petty, vindictive, bored women whose lives have nothing to offer and so have made it their life mission to torment me.  When I was done you would totally be on my side.  Truly both offenses are so petty I wouldn't even need to give you my speech.  But in the end I would still be wrong and all I would have really accomplished would be to draw you into my sin.

Our pastor is doing a sermon series on Daniel right now.  This past week was the classic Lion's Den story.  What I got caught on was what led to the lion's den.  Daniel's jealous co-workers sought to find fault with him so they could report to his supervisor, King Darius, but they couldn't find anything to report.  Nothing.

Daniel had been taken captive as a boy and been forced to live and work in a foreign land away from family his entire life.  Talk about home to work transition!  Yet he was so faithful and worked so hard he was promoted to second in command.  And when his fellow co-workers sought to bring him down they found nothing to accuse him of.  Nothing.  No stolen pens, no long lunches, no printing in color when the cheaper black and white would suffice, no checking facebook on the clock, no mistakes on reports, no forgotten assignments.  They found nothing.  And they realized it was all because of his God.  They knew the only way to get him to break a rule was to make a law that went against his God.

" 4 At this, the administrators and the satraps tried to find grounds for charges against Daniel in his conduct of government affairs, but they were unable to do so. They could find no corruption in him, because he was trustworthy and neither corrupt nor negligent. 5 Finally these men said, “We will never find any basis for charges against this man Daniel unless it has something to do with the law of his God.” Daniel 6:4-5


Now that is the kind of employee I want to be, the kind of citizen I want to be.  An exemplary employee who no one can find fault, an exemplary neighbor, friend, sister, daughter, wife, mother.  It might not keep me from accusations, it certainly didn't protect Daniel, but he walked into the lion's den confident he had done no wrong before God and whether he was rescued or died he was at peace.

In the end I know a lot of my anger stemmed from getting called out on something  knew was wrong but I had justified in my mind.  It was and is hard to admit you are wrong when people calling you out feel like enemies.  But I am accountable to God and sometimes he uses people I don't like very much to do a work in my life.  So I am turning my anger over to God and learning to humbly accept the lessons before me.

I go forward not with a desire to do better and please man but with a desire to please God and to bring glory to Him in everything I do.

"For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ." Gal 1:10

My New Plate

I love plates, I have several sets of dishes and have fun using them at various times. My main day to day pattern is a simple white but I have beautiful wedding china with blue flowers and I have a wonderful set of antique Fire King dishes in Peach Luster, plus my Christmas dishes, which I must confess are still in my cupboard from Christmas, those have a Christmas plaid pattern. And I have several tea cups in lots of different patterns to keep it interesting. Love dishes! I love to decorate a beautiful table with them. I have a friend at church who shares this passion and we love to do the tables at church for big events.

This past year I released a lot of stuff from my life.  I remember talking to my sister in law about my time releasing.  We talked about the clean plate.  I had to release everything first so I could add things back to an empty plate rather than adding and pulling at the same time.  You don't know if the thing you added is a problem or something that you haven't taken out yet.  So that is what I worked toward last year, finding a clean plate.

Now I am trying to fill my plate slowly, one thing at a time. 

When I was at home my plate was a fresh white plate, each thing on it could stand out from the simple background, the plate would match any decorating scheme I wanted to put it in and sat in the background to let whatever I put on it shine. 

However, I am not sure that is what my plate looks like anymore.  My plate my be empty of any activities I have put on it but I no longer have a simple white plate that can do anything or go anywhere.  I have a patterned plate.  My decorating options are limited with my new plate and not anything will look good on it.  I still have many options but I am not free to do anything I want to do.  I need to look at the color and pattern of my plate and make choices that complement and enhance the look of the plate. 

But as with many things I can learn from my time decorating a white plate.  Even when my plate was white I didn't just put anything on there.  I asked myself what I was passionate about, what is God doing in my life and from there I moved forward.  I love being a woman and I loved being a homemaker and much of what I did during my years at home focused on those passions.  I also love being a mom and I love teaching my kids so at other times in my homemaking career I filled my plate with those things.  The beauty of the white plate is that I was able to change the look of the table as new things came into my life.

My new life has a patterned plate.  There is one constant in my life that cannot be changed.  And while I may not have a patterned plate forever I am committed to this look for the next several years.   Which means even more than with the white plate I must remember to be aware that my theme needs to complement my pattern and not conflict.  So as I consider all the options before me to add to my plate I will keep my limitations in mind.  And just like when I was at home I will be careful to not overwhelm my plate and to be sure there is plenty of room for the most important things in my life.