Sunday, June 1, 2014

What I am thinking about these days

A few friends have asked about why I haven't written much lately.  I don't really have a good answer to that but I think I can ramble on about the topic for a few minutes and hopefully when I do start writing worthwhile thoughts again someone will still be waiting to read them.

I am busy.  Now, I think I have written a post on how much I hate the word "busy".  And while my general reasoning behind my dislike of the word remains, I have a new appreciation for the phrase "I'm busy" now that I am working 2 jobs and John is in school and Isabelle is growing up.  Some days my life doesn't feel like my own anymore, I just go from responsibility to responsibility to crash.  And then back at it the next day.

I like it.  Although it is a very full schedule right now and I do occasionally crash, I am happy.  When I was in high school I always imagined I would have a career, be busy doing things, meeting people, making deals happen.  I love my jobs. Even when they are hard or frustrating. Even when they take time away from my home, family and friends.  And I have to be honest, I have never had a job like that before.  It is exciting.

I am disorganized.  Now that I am settling into my schedule and that schedule is constantly changing and not consistent every week or even every day, I am starting to see where things and people could fall through the cracks if I am not paying attention.  I used to be organized.  Used to have lists of things to do, check them off. Keep a schedule.  I have read so many books on organization you would think I must be an expert.  And if you ask me questions about organization and time management you still might think I am.  But my busy schedule sort of snuck up on me this past year and I forgot to create systems and schedules to stay on top of it.  So this is what I am thinking about these days.

My house is a mess and I am OK with it.  My house still might be cleaner than some, I require a level of order in my life.  But I don't worry about the undone laundry, the dirty kitchen or the need for vacuuming anymore.  I don't panic when the house is a mess and I know I will be working too much to clean for a few days.  Partly because I have help, John has really stepped up, and partly because my priorities are changing.

I am hanging with my family more. This summer John is not taking classes, although he is going to get a job.  And our plan is to just be together during our mutual free time.  We have decided to get in shape together this summer, winter was a little hard on our bodies.  Family bike rides and hikes are on the agenda for the summer.  Fun and free.

I am learning and growing.  I hope.  I think.  I just feel like God is teaching me things in this season.  Nothing concrete, more like I am in the middle of some growth that I can't quite define yet.  Last year was hard, painful.  This year has been a year of healing, adjusting and experiencing joy that can only be found when we put our hope, our trust, our life in the Lord's hands.

I love condo living.  Selling our house last year and making this HUGE downsize was very scary last summer.  There was so much unknown about this choice.  And giving up my house,  MY HOUSE.  The one we had spent 11 years loving, remodeling, raising children in, celebrating in.  And then we moved to a condo, a tiny condo where having one couple over maxes out our space.  But we love it.  I refer to it as our cocoon.  It is the safe place to be together as a family after we all have been out in the world.  We love the pool, the exercise room.  John and I have gone up and played 9 ball on the pool table a few times, something we did a lot when we were dating but haven't played since I can't even remember when.  We are not good but we have fun being together and laughing at all our lucky shots.  I am daily amazed at how much less stress we are experiencing this year living here.

We are still working out the financial aspect of our lives, the main reason for the move.  John has to get a job this summer.  If he doesn't he won't be able to continue school in the fall.  But he has an interview on Thursday that sounds very promising.  And 2 weeks after he finished his 3rd year of school I am nowhere near ready to worry that he won't find exactly what we need.  God did not get us this far to drop us in the middle of the project.

I don't think about things deeply much these days.  I have brief flashes of thoughts but never time to stop and develop them.  Maybe i will put into the organizational plan i need to develop a plan to carry around a notebook and jot all my brief flashes so i can return to them at some future moment when i have time to go deep.  My shift key is going bad on this keyboard and I am tired of going back to fix all the capital letters that don't happen.  so there you have it, thoughts on my life lately.  I will admit i have written several things that I am not sharing these days.  part of what i am learning and what God is teaching me.  I know it seems like i share everything but i guess there are some things that just need to be processed alone.  I still love to write and process while writing so hopefully as things begin to settle down in our life and get back to normal you will start to hear from me more.

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