Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Watching the darkness

My word for this year is "watch".  I am watching what God is doing in my life.  "See, I am doing a new thing!"  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" Is 43:19 New thing! God is doing a new thing in my life this year and we are watching and following along.

Yesterday we were supposed to close on the sale of our house and were anxiously awaiting word on whether our offer on a new house would be accepted.  2 hours before close I watched as God unraveled the whole thing.  The sale of our house would have to be canceled due to the denied mortgage of our buyer's buyers.  The domino affect in real estate.  I was forced to withdraw our offer on a house we love.

As I relayed the conversation I just had with the buyers realtor to John I watched as God appeared to drop a veil over our entire future.  We were in the process of unloading a trailer full of tools into John's mom's garage so we could rush back home and clear out the last bit of mostly garbage left in our garage.  We had less than 2 hours until the new owners would be moving in.  I realized I didn't have a clue what to do next.  Do we keep emptying the trailer?  Do we still toss the garbage in our garage.  It all seemed pointless now.  And I am supposed to start living at my parents that night because I am homeless but, now I am not homeless, yet I am stuff less because all our furniture and favorite possessions were in a storage container somewhere in the state of Minnesota (at least I assume it is in MN).

And what else?  Do I really have to put the house back on the market?  Find new sellers?  Do we move back in the house?  Do we stay with my parents for what could now be 2 months or more waiting to sell while a perfectly fine house sits empty?  Do I have any energy left to even comprehend what has just happened after a week of packing, loading and grieving leaving this house.  I was exhausted and totally blank, no idea how to go forward, could not see my hand in front of my face our future had gone so dark.

"I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."  Until this moment I didn't feel like I was living in a desert or wasteland but suddenly my life is feeling like a very, very big mess.  A desert or wasteland, I could see nothing ahead of me, the total unknown darkness of my future.

Last night I went to hang out with my neighbors.  Because when you are down these ladies can always make you feel loved and good.  One of my neighbors told me when things like this happen she looks for the good in them.  She assured me I would discover many ways that this canceled sale is a good thing.  It reminded me of my word of the year Watch.

God is good and He has never failed me.  I have seen him turn many disappointments in my life to joy.  Our failed In-Vitro was devastating and had me feeling lost and directionless for days.   But God had a plan and what followed was many, many blessings, one of which is Isabelle.  Today I can't imagine our life without Isabelle and her birth family but I really don't think we ever would have pursued adoption if we hadn't first pursued and failed to get pregnant with In-Vitro.

So I am back to Watching God in my life.  Watching to see what he does.  How this disappointment is redeemed.  My neighbor indicated that I could probably come up with a few ways that this was good right away.  Honestly last night I really couldn't come up with any.  But this morning I have come up with one good thing.  I did not have to sleep on the hard floor of my house last night, I did not have to move furniture back off a truck that I had only rented for one day.  We were able to just stop what we were doing and come to my parents house where our clothes, toiletries and my favorite chair were waiting for us to relax, recover and begin to figure out what to do next.  Actually that might be more than one.

There is a glimmer of hope that we could still close soon.  Our buyers are going to try to qualify for a mortgage without the sale of their house.  We should know in a day or two.  If not we will be getting our container back and moving back into our house this weekend and resuming our attempts to sell it.

I often think of people who praise God in the midst of a storm.  Stories I hear of strong Christians who will praise God after a diagnosis of cancer.  I always think I want to be that person, I want to be able to sit in a doctors office, hear a bad diagnosis and praise God for a trial that will bring me closer to Him.  I don't always think about praising God in day to day trials but want to be ready to be a big testimony should a big negative like cancer and impending death come to me.

All day yesterday I kept thinking about that and how this feels a little like a cancer diagnosis at the moment.  And frankly, I did not feel a thing like praising God yesterday.  I mostly was just questioning why, WHY, this would happen and what good could possibly come out of this.  I did not feel one bit thankful about a single aspect of this, was not thankful for a trial, did not care to grow in this way, do not want to be a witness to people around me.  Not happy.  Not praising.

Today while I am still confused, still lost and still can only come up with that one positive thing to say about the situation, I know I would rather walk through complete darkness with God at my side than alone down a straight bright path.  So though my heart is torn I will praise God in this storm.

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